In the times of Corona !!

Hi Dude,
I have been thinking to write this for a long time.Nothing like an epidemic to shake our core beliefs and the decisions taken till now along the way,right ?.How are you,what are you upto,what are you doing ?..I know there would not be any answer from you.How are you managing during the epidemic ?..Hope you are taking the necessary precautions.There are many things I want to talk to you about.First off,My family has started to look for alliance for me,from the past one year.It seems nothing has been happening and so far nothing has matched correctly.There was recently only one,which crossed almost 70% of the hurdles but seems that girl does not like me and our interests and opinions does not match.We went to see her at her house and I talked with her and she told we can decide after talking for a week.But she was not responding for my messages from the start.Guess she decided she did not like me from the start.I did not take it to the heart but my parents and family were disappointed.Nothing like a present disappointment to bring back all the past failures.Do you remember that girl Gayatri,with whom I was talking during our end days..We are still in touch.But of late I feel like we are loosing the connection.Guess,life has a way of letting me know the beginning of end for every cherished relationship I have.Maybe it is normal to feel like this during a pandemic.I don't know.I have isolated myself from everyone but sometimes feel there is no one out there to understand and talk freely.See this is what happens when you put all your eggs in a single basket or All your thoughts to the same mind,quite dangerous when it is another person.I am often reminded of our days together at Bangalore.I do not understand the way our memory sorts our memories.It has a weird way of working,I admit.I fear when things happen the way I fear they would.I used to think earlier,before all this happened..One day when I do not talk to you,I might look back at my years only to see a looming presence all over the place,Ofcourse it would be only you !! .
Regards,
Me,seeking a one dimensional viewpoint for the multitude of memories !!

The Nature of Grief !!

Hii there,

I'm still thinking how to word the thoughts and emotions I undergo lately.I'm going in my car,driving and suddenly from somewhere a song comes up in the radio.Somewhere along the way as I am listening to the songs,especially the lyrics my eyes start watering up even though I am consciously trying to avoid this recurring event for quite sometime now.Songs are different,lyrics are different but somehow,the same feeling of fear,being trapped and a sense of helplessness settles in.Have you ever felt how it is to be wanting to be trapped inside a thought you are desperately wanting to get out all the time ? ..Well..that is how grief is..It is personal and multi dimensional not to mention self depreciating.I am not sure to whom to talk about this.I cry for a while and then wish it would be better tomorrow and proceed further.Why is this happening,even now ?,I wonder..How much I wish there was a simple and straight forward answer to that.I've had my close friend telling how she used me as per her convenience and let me off when her work was over.But how could I tell her that I have not felt a longing for something/someone like this before in my lifetime ? ..When does it become easy to look and walk away from her and all the memories she is hell bound on giving me,I wonder ?..I feel like I've spent an entire year trying to put things together..Have you ever felt the need to recreate the fire from ashes just to understand why the ashes have burnt this way ? ..Well,If you do I definitely understand you.Beacuse not a day goes by where I wish I should've handled this in a better way.I've began to look at things and think none of this matters anyways , so why should I even care ?..Try not to think about the nature and order of things in this world.Time is what makes things easier and what scares me the most now ..Would there be a day when I will forget about her completely or would I carry on like this forever living a parallel life all the time .. ? ..I hope time will bring me all the unexpected answers for the most wanted questions !!

Regards,
You know me that well,don't you ?

What has gotten into me ?

Hii There,
I did not write for a long time because somehow words were flowing like before.Even now,I am writing because I do not know how long it will be like how it is now.These days nothing excites me and there is nothing I look forward to.I have run away from bangalore and have started to work here in Chennai.Whenever I think of Bangalore,I am not able to erase the memories which torment me all the time.I've become so used to being like this that I do not think I would be able to allow someone else this closer in my life.I try not to think much of the past and live the way addicts do..One day at a time.I feel sad all of a sudden for no reason and sometimes feel like crying for no reason at all.I'm reading more fiction and non fiction books to cope up.But looks like the If's and But's would never leave me alone.What if I had done this like that ? What If I could've handled it in a better way ? What was I lacking ? .. All these are very tough and ugly questions which I always tell people to avoid.Yet here I am not practicing what I preach.I am not sure what I've lost but what fears me the most is I find my future very dark and uninspiring.

To my(our) Future ?!?

Hii there,

I don't know who you are but I will find you ,rip your soul apart by loving you more than anyone else in the world.How can anyone love someone who has not yet been met,you might ask ?..I assume this would be a easier task to do than to think of the way I am feeling now.I am not sure about the way these days pass by me.Seems like I'm not at all interested in anything and I fear loving another human more than anything else. I could call this as being stuck in the past if I were to tell myself from a 3rd person point of view.But it is becoming very tough to crawl out of her memories.I am not able to fully think it was all for my good.I still crave for her laughter and voice all the time.It doesn't take a long time now for me to drop things I do and go back to comfort zone of memories and shut myself out.I sit here in the corner of the highway road and think about where my life is heading.I have lost faith in marriage and attachment whatsoever.I didn't know I could be attached to onething untill I met you.Now I realize it's even more difficult to attach myself to anything anymore.This emptiness is crushing me.I run away from emotional baggages like anything.I am not sure I'd be able to do justice to another person who so believes me to give supports of all kind.I am not sure when I'll recover or if at all it is possible to recover.I always have thought of life like a long stretch of time but these days I want it to end so quickly as I do not find any point in continuing forward in this state.
To whoever is reading this...please remember if I've told you about her and this blog,it means I've trusted you like no one else before and please understand she broke me into a million pieces which I'm not sure even time will mend.However,(Yaaay ...the real reason for the tatoo is she, incase I've told you something else,give me a angry stare now and ask Mee why'd I lied to you..okey ? ) I will definitely love you a lot more than ? ..I leave it to you to complete this !!!

Convocation and Time

Hii there,
Time made a fool out of me on the day of convocation.The people for whom I've taken most of my two year decisions showed me how quick people and environments change.What happens when you suddenly realize whatever you did in past had all vanished into thin air now ..Would you go and try to talk back to people telling you were not like this before.Please do not do like this now ?
It never happens that way in reality.Moreoften than not,reality is murkier and complicated than fantasies.Look at me the never changing 🦊,always reaching for the sour grapes..I wanted nothing more than a few minutes of talking with you.Seems people around you never want me to have that.When I learnt people were seated as per the roll no..I got so excited to see you ..just like old times my heart fluttered.But I'd never expect Deepak to behave in such a way.I never expected you guys to talk like nothing happened at all...Look who's lost everything now.Take everything to heart and you've surely got some people to tear apart in a million pieces.I wish I hadn't been around so artificial humans !!

Pondicherry and her

Hii her,.
I've come to pondicherry to booze and forget about you.But look what happens if I get drunk with a bunch of unknown people.They all ask about my love story and I'm too reluctant to share your memories with any third person.Ive told my love story is the routine of all.I cannot start a good story with a breakup,can I?
I sit in this room and think about everything in an instance.you have given me that power.See,I get high to forget u but u comeback with a force I'm not able to take you back into my mind because it's becoming like a man going into an accident just knowing he'll die.I mean we all know there'll be bruises along the way and the person won't come back.Still I go into it everytime and everyday thinking how the output will be different if things had fine smoothly.That,I suppose is a problem we all have.Living in fantasies and thinking one day or other it'll come true.
I came here to make sure I forget you but look what I've got.People think their trauma is bigger than anyone else's.But I suppose I've fallen too deep.Coming out seems like a man crawling out of a black I'm too grieved to even explain it to others..Aren't these trips supposed to serve as a stress buster but ironically they further induce your memories in me.I am not sure what all to remember and what to forget about us or rather me.seems I'll not get anyone who'd understand that now or ever in future.How are you,I heard you got a new iPhone.Glad you replaced your old one.How are your brother and his wife.I remember coming to his marriage.How excited I was to see you that day.Like a child I made sure I wanted to see you first that day.silly me, right?
Maybe that's d point of love.Look at these people trying to get you out of me and me, trying to make sure I don't give u to someone else.Pain is such a private emotion na.it is like giving you away to someone else.I know you probably don't care about me.Incase you did,call or text me !;;

Why are some memories so painful !!!

Hii there,

It has been sometime since I've written.It feels good to be back.Some days go so well that I think of what went on in past only once or twice.But there are many other days when a small piece of memory from the past creates havoc in my present.I was going through old photos for some other purpose and I stumbled upon a photo of her.My heart just skipped a beat and I become like a addict who just realized his drug supply is not going to last forever.Instantaneously,tears start flowing from my eyes and I get hit hard by memories in my head in a way that a 18 wheelar truck just hits when someone is riding along the highway.I just wait for sometime so that I will make myself think something else and tell to myself this is just a passing cloud.People fall in and out of love the way a dispenser throws up a piece of chocolate when you insert a 10 rupee coin.But I've always told people that no matter how hard you hold on to your memories,time will just wash them away or replace them.It is fascinating to find here,I am struggling to do the exact same thing and one second of thought just takes me back to many months back in time.She was my "Maaya" (a) "Magik" who seems to be casting her spell even when she has left me.Someone tells me about coimbatore I think about seeing her in a "I don't know what blue kinda dress" and looking everywhere like a confused person,so that I get to see her before everyone else.I did not want anyone to see her so beautifully before I did,I was selfish in that way I suppose.It is these kind of memories that haunt me and surprisingly one utterance of some random thing/place/event by someone is all that it takes to take me back to her.I think of all the nights and walks I spent with her.I go to college under the pretext of seeing juniors just to look at the room she stayed and the places we've argued and walked together.I get the feeling that those places want to know what happened to us now but It seems almost impossible to tell that it all had to end at someplace.It somehow feels like betraying all the memories of that place and her that I have till now.Such is the nature of some memories that they demand a share of pain as a way of entry and exit ticket.Why do I have to revive every memory of mine with a drop of pain,I wonder and then realize It is fine to pay the price of whatever it asks for,for memories are all the things I've of her and each time I remember her I am trying to disappear into her one memory at a time and the only way to forget her fully is by making sure that I get numb to the pain or to the memories,which I am not sure when it i going to happen in sometime or happen at all !!!

How do things turn out like this ?

I remember talking till the signal dropped each time I travelled to or from Chennai.We spoke about everything under the moon and yes, I'd kill to hear that sound of laughter again.its funny how Everytime I make someone close to me or make myself vulnerable to them they target it spot-on and start hitting where it hurts.I was supposed to move on from you.Move on where,I always wanted to ask.But you wanted me to move away from you.And here I am unable to move anywhere else and living like a corpse thinking why should I survive,all the time.I wanted to talk to you about the moon and back but unfortunately I was having something wrong.I still exist but I find no point in living..maybe I'll change some day or I won't ..!!

What does time do to all of us ?

Hii there,

I went to my PG college yesterday and met a couple of friends from there.It is hauntingly beautiful to see how going to a place just brings back all the memories i had tried to bury all the time.We all do it from time to time.The memories we want to run into do not come up easily but the memories we want to run away from come up as easily as a balloon floating on water.I look at the places I we argued,your flat,the day we had pasta from the little bytes down there and the long walks we used to take,which I assumed would make you special because I have no gone on walks like that with anyone in my life.I wish I could go to your flat and look at your room and celebrate your birthday once more.Do you remember my gift?..Because somehow I cannot seem to forget it.I know this is me holding to you desperately as though my entire life depends on this.I've had a friend telling me you were always like this.Maybe we should not be desperate for anything in our lives,when other people get to know that they take us for a ride and this has happened almost always in my case.There was a best friend whom I thought will be with me for atleast sometime and now even she also doesn't want to talk to me.It seems I'm asking too many questions.We all have answers we do not want questions for.I knew change was inline when I changed to Bangalore again but I did not know it would be this quick.I go to my friend asking how did u leave Bangalore and who packed your luggage's like a madman trying to get a glimpse of his favorite sanity object in the world.He tells me "I can see you've still not recovered from her,so why not text her and become friends".Can I tell him the moment I see your number wishing someother person happiee birthday in our college I start to sob like a kid who has lost his candy?..And bringing you back into my life makes me happy and sad at the same time.Is this what happens when you're not worthy of someone's affection?..Maybe..I'm not sure.My last two years have been a huge success professionally but personally it paints a opposite picture.A Magnanimous failure indeed.I was not able to get anyone who understands me from college.I know I'm a tough cookie to cut but seems people are not even willing to try.Thinking there will always be people who will understand you if you understand them has proved to a failure strategy in recent times.I wanted to tell all this and much more to you despite the fact that you're in no mood to listen.I thought my bestie will atleast listen to what I've got to say,I've understood she's not in the mood to talk to me.So,what do I do now,I sit alone in this dark room of mine and think of things which would be inappropriate to tell to others.I mean what is the point of survival like this?..This question has been bugging me a lot in past days.Why do we need money,experience,sex and happiness when there is no reason why we should survive?...What does time do to all of this...It just makes me question my every thought thinking how long can I be like this ..Maybe for some days or months or my lifetime !!!

The opposite of loving and trying to fit in

Hii there,
               Yesterday was one of the joyful days I'd remember in my lifetime.Well,what did I do.Did I buy anything new ? or did i get drunk fully or did i achieve something highly successful?.Nope.I went with my best friend and invited people for his wedding.What gives you happiness in this? You might ask?.The happiness we all search for is not present in some fancy materialistic ideas but in small occasions which help us to realize how beautiful this short lived life is.We took another best friend of our's,we're all friends from school..from 7th standard.So,that makes it around 15 years,I suppose.It is strangely good when you realize some bonds will be there for a long time.Maybe because it had such a strong foundation,it still grows and accommodates all the changes which the life and time throw along the way.I went and met many of his friends and it was as though I was meeting friends of mine.No wonder they tell,you start resembling the person with whom you spend more time.Be it in terms of habits or character or personality.We had a sumptuous lunch and drove around Chennai inviting people No one has ever asked me to do things like these ever before.I suppose that's what happens when you start connecting with other people in a entirely new manner.So,after a day of constant laughing,teasing and emoting I came back to home around 9 pm.I was talking about the entire day to my mom and explaining what all happened.In the end I asked her "Mom,do you think something has changed in me in past two years and now?".She told "A lot has changed and in fact your sister feels the change more than any other".These days,all the discussions seem to start or end with a philosophical tone.I was not this much psychological or philosophical before I went to Bangalore.I am being asked what happened over there that I had to become this much mature and disconnected in such a short time.How can I tell that I was not accepted by the one person from whom I wanted it badly in bangalore?.I just told my mom I did not fit in in bangalore generally and I had to develop some sort of image or defense mechanism to ensure that I do not get hurt.That is when I realized the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.The more I try to unlove her,I fall further deeply into love.I look at someone on road and think it would be her and I look at the messages she posts in our college group and try to think how would it be for once if she posts a message before me or after me.Maybe she would think about me if she sees my name or would she have stored my number?..She doesn't even look at my statuses.The one for whom I started this blog and wrote posts on how I feel now think I'm non existent."Yes,this is how life is.It is never fair and it is time to move on" I tell to myself often these days.It definitely works,but only slowly like moving a huge mountain of emotions with the power of my thoughts.I came to bangalore to get some friends and take some good memories back.It would be lying if I tell I have completely failed in it but the truth is that I have succeeded only partially and in a way that everything seems to be positive from the outside but on the inside it's all hollow and empty.Coming to the problem of fitting in,right from my childhood I am not used to moving with people closely.I am highly sensitive in nature and cannot take it when anyone close to me tries to cut the ties or treats me in a unacceptable way.This is why I do not trust or gel with larger groups or more people.Infact,this was the feedback given to me by counsellor during the 1st year of college in bangalore.I also tried my best to move with people and where has it got me today ? ? ..SO MUCH FOR SOCIALIZATION AND FITTING IN !!!

How it feels to be Hanging on to every last memory and still try to forget all that happened?

Hii there,

It is amazing how all it takes is a unrelated word or a sentence to go back all into the past and bring out all the memories I've been trying to bury for so long.Previously I used to think,It would be a good day only if I see you,Look at me now.I'm not dead,am I?
Do you remember the walks we used to take or the conversations we used to have late nights and how on exam days I'd not go to the exam hall without seeing you?
I always have enjoyed each and every moment of it.But life has it's own way of dividing and merging things as it marches on,just like time.And yes,if I count the "Maybe's" and "If's" I think of these days,I will be able to fill a football ground with it.I've been doing nothing but thinking from past few days.One day it became so much that I was not able to take it.So I took my two wheeler and roamed along the roads for some 3 hours.Maybe I was thinking if I ride the bike faster and when surroundings get blurry,chances are there that my thoughts could disappear.But hey,some things have to happen the way they always want to or else none of us would be like this.I shout at my close ones for stupid reasons and go into a constant state of panic even for a small change.Pushing people away and worrying why they're not coming back seems to have become my favorite hobby of late.As though I have a world of people who know fully about me,I hopelessly push the one or two people who act as a pillar of strength for me.If at all,I come out of all of this one day,I'd like you to meet them and I'll tell "these are the people who helped me to rebuild myself after you left me there like a dead body in the middle of the desert without any people or purpose to live any further".Undoubtedly,you might have met some of them already !!
Maybe I'm overthinking and there is nothing you have given or done to me.It's all in my head,like always.Anyways,I've stopped thinking there is any purpose or motive to live this life or whatsoever.I never realized how when good things become bad the cost they ask for is impossible to pay,atleast for me.I used to laugh when someone asks what is your strength and weakness.My dears,there is nothing called constant strength or weakness.What can be your strength today can become your weakness in a span of time.Take me for example,When I tell people I thought of suicide sometime back,people tell "I did not seem to notice,you appear very calm and normal.Appearing calm and normal has always been my strength but on the downside,People always think I'll not take anything seriously and in turn do not see the depth of it and dismiss my emotions when they pop out occasionally.Maybe,all of humans are like that.The biggest and strongest of all emotions,"love" was rejected by you and what did I do?.Nothing,just weeping like a small child over spilled milk.Maybe I should start showing my emotions to others occasionally so that they also will think "Yes,he's also capable of showing emotions".If you keep on bottling the emotions,How do you let go of them.Only when they break open can they be let out.
Oh Look at the beauty of emotions !!..When you find the right person,you get all the wrong emotions and when you find the wrong person,you get all the right emotions.Isn't this the story of all of us !!
"You need to move on" I'm told.It's harder than I imagined it to be.Superficially you know you've to but deep down you cannot and you do not want to.To move on,seems like leaving you and part of me with you behind.At this point of time it feels like I want to hang on to every shred of memory I have of ours.
"Time makes things better" I always tell people.No doubt the sharpness of thoughts & pain may dull after months but it seems the sense of loss always deepens.The pain slowly becomes raw and emptiness begins to become vast.
However,without any doubt I will emerge out of this but the question that always looms over my head is this,"Will I be able to make myself vulnerable to someone from now on despite knowing the fact that the wounds of vulnerability can only be hidden but not healed !!!"

My thought Cooker #29/04/2018

Hii There,
Have you ever wondered in life,we have met many people and will meet many people at multiple points of time where you and another person or a group of people seemingly have the same resources at disposal and you might think that all the good or bad things you've done have brought you at this juncture and things will be same for you and that person/group members from now on in such a way that you think that your life without that group of people or individual will almost be impossible for you to live. but life & time have a different agenda?.I've had a couple of those moments in my college.Today was one such incident where I had to attend the marriage of my friend whom I had known from my school & college.He was the one who had tutored me and taught many things to help me reach the place where I am today.There was a time when I thought "I will not leave him for my life as I need more people like him and especially him to guide me through the complex maze of life".We both completed our course and like all other farewells,we promised to stay in touch.I feel that today,technology has made this both easier and tougher.I will come to that portion shortly.He joined in post office and I joined in an IT company.You go to a new place,you meet a couple of people like you & it might be due to a number of reasons like convenience or interests or environment which acts as a enabler and facilitator to nurture your friendship and things go smooth and well and you think you are so blessed to have a group of people so understanding.Time,often is like an earthquake dividing things where ever it goes beyond any concern for the surroundings.Unfortunately,a time comes when you've to bid farewell,albeit a tough one and you take a mental vow to stay in touch with that person/group even when the commonalities you had will start to fade one by one.Your friendship was nurtured over coffee meeting & lunch breaks,good for you but you'll have to lose them once the environment changes.Gradually you lose touch with that part of your life and the events.All the people start fading into background and new ones start replacing the old ones.Suddenly a day comes when one of them in the group has some important life event occurring and he wants you to attend that.You go and attend the event for old times sake or to refresh the long lost memories or replace them with warm and cozy new ones.It is there when you meet the people from other group and you immediately feel like talking to a good old friend whose companionship you've missed for years.But once the Hey-How-do-u-do talk gets over,the daily struggles and other routine topics start to fill your conversations.It is then when you realize that how much times have changed and how life & time do their part in all of our's lives without a second thought or any concern.The same group which had been your entire world is now reduced to one tiny fragment.All along the way you've been thinking your life was the most routine one and someone else comes only to tell theirs is even more tough than you imagine.You begin to think how environments have changed so drastically that there is nothing more common left other than the past which has to be evoked every time you want to connect.This cycle goes on and on in life till anyone of you come back to a new environment for a longer time or eventually die.But some people,can be connected with you despite the changes in environment and interests and those kind of people should be cherished and taken care of with all the energy you have.Don't create unnecessary troubles and fight with these people.You're lucky of you've got one already.What do you think about me ..Do I have a person/group like that or not..?..I suppose only she knows the answer to this question !!!!

My Thought Cooker #21/04/18

Hii there,
                 A nice warm hii to the one who is reading this.I still do not know who that person will be.The one to whom I will handover my blog and all the posts because this is what is essentially me as many of my acquaintances do not understand me fully(Can I use yet here or does it sound desperate!!).Have you ever felt when there is no one in this entire world to understand and accept you as you are.Now accepting is one thing which can be done without or with less understanding but I always prefer some understanding prior to acceptance.You might have best friends,a couple of them might be close to you than you think.Have you ever wondered what led to the creation of friendships in first place.Was it the common interests or environment.Because,from what I have seen environment plays a very major role in nurturing relationships these days.I have kept a special term for it- "Situation-ship".Once the situation goes away,so does the friendship.But there are some friends with whom we share a lot of things in common.Maybe behavior or personality or character,For ex.But what happens when the things you start having common start depleting..Like for ex:- you might love doing a certain activity with your best friends some time ago but you don't find it interesting now.Do you tell this to them or keep this to yourself.After all,isn't this the entire dilemma of our lives..How much of past you want to carry yourself to future in such a way that present is not tainted by the past?
I've known,seen and heard people who take harsh decisions on themselves once they undergo a heart break or a break up.In those times,they think it will be impossible for them to fall in love again considering what they have undergone now.But as time marches ahead,the same person falls in love again and again and again,probably harder than the previous time.I ask to myself why does this happen.How can the person forget the past so easily and move on to the future?..Isn't it making our past seem worthless?..Maybe this time they look at love from a different perspective when compared to the previous time.Do you know what is the most powerful feeling in this world..It is the feeling of being loved/needed.Ever wonder why people fall in love over and over again.It gives them a feeling of being wanted and needed.Once you understand the other person has started to depend on you for any kind of support,this understanding is more powerful than combination of all the drugs in the world and that is exactly why when the person leaves us we wait for sometime and want to fill it with something else.Some start finding another girl/boy or nurture addictions which may/may not be harmful in long term.You might ask,why are you thinking of this suddenly Gautham?..Did u get reminded of that girl.Now don't go all the way to Bangalore,you fool.She left you and there are goo d chances she's happy elsewhere.Maybe yes,But remember one thing love that has understanding first and acceptance first goes in a long term while the one where acceptance comes first suffers a lot simply because you cannot accept anything in this world without understanding it.Let us hope ours belongs to the first category.
Cheers !!!

How far can I travel ?!?

Hii there,

It's been a long time since my previous post.It is really a strange thing indeed,I was able to create wonderful posts within a span of say 30-40 mins..but these days I sit and try very hard and squeeze my right brain but still not even a drop is willing to fall out."What has happened to you?"..I ask myself.So I have decided to write this one as a conversation between me and my conscience..!!

Me:- What a nice day it's been.A good movie,nice sleep and some quality reading.This weather tempts me to take a walk and a cup of hot tea...!!
Cs(Conscience):- Ofcourse!!..But don't use this as a cover and pass by her room,Okey?
Me:- Shut up dude..I am not even talking to her for past one month and I must say I'm very happy and relieved.
Cs:- haha...Don't lie to me bro..I know all those midnight cryings and being like a walking corpse state-you're these days.
Me:- That..that is just me trying to overcome her presence.You know we're trying very hard ...
Cs:- True that..Now don't start getting emotional and get out to real world..
Me:- That's my boy..
(I go for a nice walk and decide to have lemon tea )
Now you might ask a question..Did you pass by her room or not ..?..Read on to know that
Me:- Nice day...well look there our beloved friends are standing.Why don't I go and tell a Hi..
Cs:- Dude..you dont want to go there..Do u see who that girl who's having her back to you..
Me:- Well,I'm too deep to go back..I can't return now
Cs:- Trust me dude..that's your life's problem..!!
Me:- Shit..It's her?.Isn't it?...Right?
Cs:- Spot on !!!
Me;- I'm gonna make this situation super awkward now !!
Cs:- Just walk away and look at her.I know you wanted to get a glimpse of her.
Me:- That's y I went by her room..oops!!
Cs:- And you tell me that I remind you of her always..Asshole
(I then curse god for creating this kind of coincidence and turning my night the opposite of my day)
Me:-Yaay...I've successfully evaded her presence.Wait a min...Is it raining..why are my eyes getting moist now..
Cs:- Evade ..Evade ..we'll see how far you can go !!
Me:- I'll go to hostel and cry my heart out.Then I'll take bath and be fresh.Haven't you heard "I love crying in rain because no one can see me crying"
Cs:- You'll anyways write a blog post about this.We'll meet there !!!
Me:- Yes..but should I publish that or not..?
Cs:- You want to do it because you think someday she'll read this and start talking to you..Don't you remember what she said.."Be mature Gautham.I did not expect this from you"
Me:- Otha..fuck her expectations..Did I expect things to turn out like this..
Cs:- uh oh..Not again...Take bath before the water become too hot to handle ..
Me:- Well..Trust me bro ..it's not only the water which is reaching it's boiling point soon..
Cs:- Yappa ..Dei...Poda po !!!!

How good would it be if someone just kills me now or Should I die that myself...!!!

Hii to whomsoever is reading this...,

"Listen..I've to tell you something..I'm seeing someone from the past 1 and half months.He is my senior from school.He came to Coimbatore to see me and he was interested in me." told the only girl whom I thought will be till the end of my life.But hey,life has it's own way of teaching you things,right?
"So he proposed and what did u tell?" I asked,like a patient who doesn't have oxygen but still has hope to live
"Well...I also told yes" was the reply that she gave.
"He is working in Chennai and we like each other" she told..
"Maybe she is trying to play a trick on me .. you know" is how my pathetic mind thinks
"She called you only to tell this,dumbo" tells my brain
What will you do in a moment like this..I do not know what you will do but I know what I will do or at least what I thought I must 've done.
I thought of abandoning everything and running away somewhere from everything.Abandoning,my friend has a very interesting twist to it.What can I abandon when I feel my life has been abandoned by the only one I gave control to do that..?
Should I abandon this land , this place or abandon my life all together?...These depressing thoughts are not something which go away from my mind easily.I think of drinking something and taking my life.I mean,people like me do not deserve to live in this earth,do they?......You might think dying is not a way out but trust me,sometimes dying seems to be the best way rather than this living this hell.
2 months and just an interest was all that was enough to make her fall for someone else.So think how much ever you do,in the end physical appearance is what counts...Did u understand that dickhead,stupid dumbo and no one wants to love a fatso like you who can be exceptionally beautiful inside but outside is what decides many things here.....Just get that first into your head.We are at an important juncture in my life I suppose..Some lessons are best learnt the hard way. This must one of those lessons I guess.What is going to happen in the next 24 hours is very crucial...I've finally decided to concentrate on the one thing I've been ignoring for the past 24 years.It is my physical appearance.Being very beautiful on the inside is not something people are able to understand even after they get to know you for months.Handling memories is something which I've to get used to.
What happens to those late night calls and all those chat messages which you shared...?
Well...They're just down the drain..that's it..If you'd been good looking certainly she would've accepted na..only because you're like this she didn't accept.Whatever happens,you needed a girl and your love to tell to you that appearances matter.So get this clear into your head...Start working on that and just see how things are waiting at the end of the road..!!!..And being someone whom no one can understand that is not going to help you...Be nice,friendly but be good looking first..Why should I go and die...(here is when things get more interesting!!)....To have rejected me she must go and die somewhere...That bitch...(Oh Sorry,sorry you're not the kind who takes revenge and abuses someone,remember)...But what to do now..The situation is like that...I just hope he deserts he like the way she did it to me or her parents do not accept their love or he runs away after making her pregnant or how about he abusing her with his love!!...Now that would be fun,wouldn't it?....For 6 months,you've no other job other than working on your appearance..But the thing is you've to see her face daily in class but that is a good thing,isn't it..It's a way of keeping the scar fresh in mind even though it has healed physically.Should I publish this or not is the next million dollar question lurking in my mind.Will it be like revenge,if I publish this...What if she reads this and gets to know how bad my thoughts drive us(meaning my brain and mind)..Well..it is something to consider..So let me tell you something..This will not be published now..But someday I'll surely do it and this will happen only when transformation happens !!!!...

The Story of the Ant and the raindrop on a leaf

Hii Duude,

How are you ? or How good are you must be the question.
Ofcourse who will not be happy in their velliamma's house..I like to imagine your grandma's house to be like the one in Drishyam..Full of trees and that evening weather,small inland roads along with tall coconut trees.If I'm there,I'll tell to them there is someone more cute than you Trees and leaves !! Nothing beats the joy of a good book and good food by the sea shore surrounded by trees in a stormy evening weather.The sound of rain hitting leaves and houses is sweet to hear.Did you know I have an app that produces different types of rain,thunder storm and sea sounds.It's like meditation to me.Anyways this brings me to a small story..!!!

Once upon a time there was an ant who wanted to be hard working and behave as all other ants do.But there was no good fellow ant he could look up to.So he always had different ways of thinking when it came to things.One fine day,after some bitter experiences in life(For ex:- eating rice flour thinking it was powdered sugar) he decided to turn to a new leaf and he chose a bright orange leaf for this purpose and it was in that time he saw towards the sky to see a beautiful raindrop falling.He told to himself "This drop looks very beautiful.Maybe it really is or due to reflection of the surroundings.But I need that drop".To him it was like he was drowning in his world of thoughts and this raindrop has come to save him from all that gloominess.So he just started to wait till the drop reached this leaf but once it reached the leaf,He came to know that the there was a need to push that drop till it reaches the desired spot.Now pushing a drop is a very tough job to do.He imagined talking himself to the leaf and the drop..!!
Leaf told him angrily "You know what,that drop is mine as it landed on me first.In a way I'm totally responsible for it.So make sure it sees no damage!!"
Now it was the drop's turn to talk. "Don't fall for her traps ant,she tells this to all the drops that fall here.Last time the same thing happened to another drop also"
The Ant was confused as hell.So he decided to push the drop slowly towards the end so that he could see what happened to the drop
As he was pushing the drop further he could see the leaf mocking him "See I told you..The faster you try to do this the sooner the drop will disappear"
But the drop told "Do not worry,I will always be strong enough not to be crushed by a ignorant leaf"
He wondered "Can a drop change a leaf?"
After reaching the mid way on the leaf,the ant came to a standstill.The thing he had feared the most had happened.He started becoming a part of drop.It was so apparent because all of his world were of the color of the drop.He could not imagine his life without that drop.Crying only increased his confusion and puzzled him more as he knew he had no control over the drop or the leaf or in whatever direction the end turns out to be.
So he left things as they were for a few hours but it was almost impossible to come out of that drop.
This drop had a habit of using reflections as the only mirror to see the world.So it had to see and hear some ugly things in the meantime and thought the ant will survive only if left alone.The ant thought "How can I explain that reflections are not the reality and they just reflect the character of the source they come from but not the destination and reflections are always reversed by nature".The ant was just sad and got depressed thinking of all this.He even tried talking things out with the drop and finally after so much of pain the drop agreed to the leaf and realized what had went wrong with ant in first place.So is the ant fully clear about the way things had to turn up...Nope and he wants the drop to explain how it did not know the difference between reflections and reality !!!
My my,doesn't it seem like a somewhere heard story....!!
No wonder you think I'm the ant and the leaf is your mind.But then what are the Drop and reflections ?
And the way you think depends on the answer you give to the above question.

Is it her voice or am I talking to a bird

Hii Dude,

Congrats..!!..Did u knew I will call tonight!?.. well,my holiday just got complete.
Here's  a small poem only for your senses!!

What's more precious than the first pearl that a oyster gives?
The hand that takes it or the shell which opens..!!

What's more special than the first raindrop that touches  the earth ?
The cloud that gives it or the sea which it kisses first?

What's  more beautiful than the sun rays touching sunflower ?
The rays that reach the flower or the sunflower  which turns it's  head?

What's more satisfying than the breeze kissing the flowers?
The way the leaves bristle or the way wind  chooses it?

What's more  delightful to watch for a mom?
The moment her child touches the ground or when she hears it calling her "amma" with its voice?

What's more mesmerising to see in my girl which no one else can  do?
The eyes which is reading this or the mind which is thinking how to comprehend it?

What makes me more happy than anyother thing in life?
The memories she gave me or when she talks to me after a long time?

What's more painful to me than me getting Alzheimer's?
Is it when she doesn't  talk to me or when she realizes why she had to do that in first place?

Nothing but thoughts

Hii Dude,

I don't even know what to write.But I cannot be like this for long time.It is killing me from inside.I'm getting continuous headaches and crying like a child and becoming a mad person.If this continues my performance will really start to go down.I do not know what I can tell to you so that you will agree but at least till the time we are here talk to me and allow me to talk to you like before.I do not know what kind of a person I am becoming because of this.Abuse me,hate me or do whatever you want but do not be like this with me.I am not able to take it and it is paining , both literally and figuratively.I have no idea of knowing how you feel about this.Fuck,I am not able to hate you also.It's like being stuck in an endless loop and it has really started to affect my daily routine.I get dreams and nightmares about you and me talking,fighting and all. I've become like an alcohol addict who works in a wine shop.When I was talking to you,nothing else was on my mind but now that I am not talking this is the only thing that is constantly spinning on and on.I've stopped thinking about anything else.I do not know what to do now.This is getting very bad and out of control these days and If I see you daily not talking to you is very very tough and how can I ignore someone on the outside when it is only them I think of on the Inside? What you thought is happening to me if you talk to me is happening now and I cannot even control it.I do not want it to be like this but I'm sure of this.Till now in my life I might have not had that much friends but I've never felt lonely.I know the difference between being lonely and alone.These days I feel like i'm the only one in this world and you know how much I magnify thoughts and feelings.Even Krishna is asking to me why I am not talking to him properly these days.Hell,the only person I'm talking to is myself and keep on thinking what could be done to improve this and to overcome this.I was not like this before and I do not know how to do this.I know you think of me like some prick who never understands what he is told and keeps on torturing you to talk and all.I have not asked like this to anyone in my life and I do not think if i'll do in future also.I know Creating problems as if they are all going to happen is something which I excel at but I do not consider everything is going to happen or not.You might think only this guy can write an entire blogpost to coerce me to talk to him but what I am asking to you is be with me because I do not know what else to tell or do or anything....!!!!

Empty Ness everywhere

Hii Dude,
I'm not even sure I can call you by that name now.Where is the girl who used to talk to me like before..I ask myself.What is the point of writing a blog when you are not willing to read it also ..I thought I wrote only for you but I was dumb enough necer to know what you actually thought about these posts.Now what will I do ..can I stop people from speaking or thinking is something which I can't think of.But you , I thought you'll understand that and you know me better than what other's say.But we both know it is your base character coming out in stressful situations like these.You could've asked me my life instead of asking me to stop talking to u.But  alas,you always manage to get the best and worst out of me so effortlessly.who am I to stop you from your decision to talk to me,right
?..it better be right. . at least one of us will be happy.how was your exam . How's the preparation going ..these
Are
All the
Questions I want to ask u daily..but a poor soul like me still hasn't learn to share emotions either with a stranger or even best friends who are often not there at times of need ..!!..Maybe I was too dependent on you..what is the use of this blog if you don't read or me livin if you're not there.  Cmon dude..don't be stupid ..it happens to people all the time . Maybe  or maybe not but how can a person be like me..!!..,at times I think I've lost sanity .. it'll be better and im so bad that I don't even qualify to be your friend.Shes is not even ready to give her friendship,you poor asshole aren't u ashamed of asking her again and again. !!  just go and die somewhere ..Okey . But if I die my loVe fr u will) also be crushed na ..So no thoughts like  that .how u made fun of me  nd ,how excited I was when u told we'll go for Jan we met s ehal.. what happened in the end ..lol ..

Influence of Opinions,sometimes with Options

Hii Darling,

I've loved you
I love you
I will love you.

I did not want to give that title to this post but I felt it was the only apt one which I could give.Yesterday I thought too many times about what is happening here and the Opinions of others to which we should never give a flying fuck no matter what happens.If you think that it's because of you I am not performing well,I'm sorry dude your notion is entirely wrong.How I perform and why I perform that way is entirely upto me and it is me who needs to have last thoughts about this and no one else,that includes you also upto a certain degree.Sit back and think of all these,if we accept what you are telling is true.

Have you ever told me to spend time with you and only you?
Did u tell me to call at nights or text you always?
Did u ask me to write the posts?
Did u tell me to give you gifts?
Remember the first gift I gave you,nail polish remover..Who told me to do that?..What was my intention behind giving that?..The answer to this question is there was no intention.
Did u ask me to teach Ops or BRM?
Did u call me for long walks and deep talks?
Did u fight with me over small unimportant things?
Did u ever ask me to stop drinking and call you ?
Did u call me to Nandi hills or movies at any point of time?
Did u ask me to observe your hair,smell,nail polish and even the small bruises you get?
Have you ever asked me why I get more marks than you ?

You might think all of these do not make sense but do me a favour and replace all the "Did you's" with "I did" and it all makes perfect sense.
Even now also if you think this is what happens,we definitely need to have a talk not because I want to convince you but to make you understand how important you are to me over all the other things in my life