The opposite of loving and trying to fit in

Hii there,
               Yesterday was one of the joyful days I'd remember in my lifetime.Well,what did I do.Did I buy anything new ? or did i get drunk fully or did i achieve something highly successful?.Nope.I went with my best friend and invited people for his wedding.What gives you happiness in this? You might ask?.The happiness we all search for is not present in some fancy materialistic ideas but in small occasions which help us to realize how beautiful this short lived life is.We took another best friend of our's,we're all friends from school..from 7th standard.So,that makes it around 15 years,I suppose.It is strangely good when you realize some bonds will be there for a long time.Maybe because it had such a strong foundation,it still grows and accommodates all the changes which the life and time throw along the way.I went and met many of his friends and it was as though I was meeting friends of mine.No wonder they tell,you start resembling the person with whom you spend more time.Be it in terms of habits or character or personality.We had a sumptuous lunch and drove around Chennai inviting people No one has ever asked me to do things like these ever before.I suppose that's what happens when you start connecting with other people in a entirely new manner.So,after a day of constant laughing,teasing and emoting I came back to home around 9 pm.I was talking about the entire day to my mom and explaining what all happened.In the end I asked her "Mom,do you think something has changed in me in past two years and now?".She told "A lot has changed and in fact your sister feels the change more than any other".These days,all the discussions seem to start or end with a philosophical tone.I was not this much psychological or philosophical before I went to Bangalore.I am being asked what happened over there that I had to become this much mature and disconnected in such a short time.How can I tell that I was not accepted by the one person from whom I wanted it badly in bangalore?.I just told my mom I did not fit in in bangalore generally and I had to develop some sort of image or defense mechanism to ensure that I do not get hurt.That is when I realized the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.The more I try to unlove her,I fall further deeply into love.I look at someone on road and think it would be her and I look at the messages she posts in our college group and try to think how would it be for once if she posts a message before me or after me.Maybe she would think about me if she sees my name or would she have stored my number?..She doesn't even look at my statuses.The one for whom I started this blog and wrote posts on how I feel now think I'm non existent."Yes,this is how life is.It is never fair and it is time to move on" I tell to myself often these days.It definitely works,but only slowly like moving a huge mountain of emotions with the power of my thoughts.I came to bangalore to get some friends and take some good memories back.It would be lying if I tell I have completely failed in it but the truth is that I have succeeded only partially and in a way that everything seems to be positive from the outside but on the inside it's all hollow and empty.Coming to the problem of fitting in,right from my childhood I am not used to moving with people closely.I am highly sensitive in nature and cannot take it when anyone close to me tries to cut the ties or treats me in a unacceptable way.This is why I do not trust or gel with larger groups or more people.Infact,this was the feedback given to me by counsellor during the 1st year of college in bangalore.I also tried my best to move with people and where has it got me today ? ? ..SO MUCH FOR SOCIALIZATION AND FITTING IN !!!

How it feels to be Hanging on to every last memory and still try to forget all that happened?

Hii there,

It is amazing how all it takes is a unrelated word or a sentence to go back all into the past and bring out all the memories I've been trying to bury for so long.Previously I used to think,It would be a good day only if I see you,Look at me now.I'm not dead,am I?
Do you remember the walks we used to take or the conversations we used to have late nights and how on exam days I'd not go to the exam hall without seeing you?
I always have enjoyed each and every moment of it.But life has it's own way of dividing and merging things as it marches on,just like time.And yes,if I count the "Maybe's" and "If's" I think of these days,I will be able to fill a football ground with it.I've been doing nothing but thinking from past few days.One day it became so much that I was not able to take it.So I took my two wheeler and roamed along the roads for some 3 hours.Maybe I was thinking if I ride the bike faster and when surroundings get blurry,chances are there that my thoughts could disappear.But hey,some things have to happen the way they always want to or else none of us would be like this.I shout at my close ones for stupid reasons and go into a constant state of panic even for a small change.Pushing people away and worrying why they're not coming back seems to have become my favorite hobby of late.As though I have a world of people who know fully about me,I hopelessly push the one or two people who act as a pillar of strength for me.If at all,I come out of all of this one day,I'd like you to meet them and I'll tell "these are the people who helped me to rebuild myself after you left me there like a dead body in the middle of the desert without any people or purpose to live any further".Undoubtedly,you might have met some of them already !!
Maybe I'm overthinking and there is nothing you have given or done to me.It's all in my head,like always.Anyways,I've stopped thinking there is any purpose or motive to live this life or whatsoever.I never realized how when good things become bad the cost they ask for is impossible to pay,atleast for me.I used to laugh when someone asks what is your strength and weakness.My dears,there is nothing called constant strength or weakness.What can be your strength today can become your weakness in a span of time.Take me for example,When I tell people I thought of suicide sometime back,people tell "I did not seem to notice,you appear very calm and normal.Appearing calm and normal has always been my strength but on the downside,People always think I'll not take anything seriously and in turn do not see the depth of it and dismiss my emotions when they pop out occasionally.Maybe,all of humans are like that.The biggest and strongest of all emotions,"love" was rejected by you and what did I do?.Nothing,just weeping like a small child over spilled milk.Maybe I should start showing my emotions to others occasionally so that they also will think "Yes,he's also capable of showing emotions".If you keep on bottling the emotions,How do you let go of them.Only when they break open can they be let out.
Oh Look at the beauty of emotions !!..When you find the right person,you get all the wrong emotions and when you find the wrong person,you get all the right emotions.Isn't this the story of all of us !!
"You need to move on" I'm told.It's harder than I imagined it to be.Superficially you know you've to but deep down you cannot and you do not want to.To move on,seems like leaving you and part of me with you behind.At this point of time it feels like I want to hang on to every shred of memory I have of ours.
"Time makes things better" I always tell people.No doubt the sharpness of thoughts & pain may dull after months but it seems the sense of loss always deepens.The pain slowly becomes raw and emptiness begins to become vast.
However,without any doubt I will emerge out of this but the question that always looms over my head is this,"Will I be able to make myself vulnerable to someone from now on despite knowing the fact that the wounds of vulnerability can only be hidden but not healed !!!"