Logical closure to things and letting away a few of my dreams

Hii Dude,

I am just thinking what should I tell now.I guess we have come to an important point in our lives.Yes,we have completed our 1st year of PGDM. The place which introduced me to your world and introduced a new world inside me.How can I forget the experiences which I have had in this year.Maybe studies,we can forget but there are many other things which I must forget at the rate faster than we forget things we prepared for the exam.I got very angry when you said we will reduce the hours we were talking and till now it was only me who decided things should go.But at the same time try to understand that I always want you to be the one who decides how things should happen.Except this decision which seems like separating me from myself.It has been two days of no talking and texting and you tell quite easily you must get used to it.I know that 35 times was a bit exaggerated but still I was drunk that day and I possibly I didn't know why I did like that.But still,It was not good to have called you that much times.I mean how can you have someone who likes you that much na dude..The next day morning,I muted your profile in my whatsapp but you know what even if I get a single message I think "Will this be her?" and then I tell to myself "Why would she text you? Remember it was you who texted her always..".It would be a blatant lie if I tell I missed you entirely and was not able to do things these two days.Infact I was quite fast mannered in quite things but in the end you always know what is going to happen.You told me to keep a list of all the messages you want to send to me and  you will answer them on weekends...I wanted to text you

When I returned and came after the BRM exam
When I wanted to ask how much you've read ME
When I wanted to call you that night and listen to you talking
When I wanted to send a "Rise and shine cupcake greet"
When I wanted to tell you "ME was the worst preparation till date and hear you tell fuck off"
When I wanted to text you that today was my earliest return time till date
When I wanted to ask you when you are leaving to home
When I wanted to ask you what plans you have now
When I wanted to go and meet bhavani with you
When I wanted to tell you I am planning to get drunk tonight and call you
When I wanted to thank you for accommodating me into that tiny world of yours

I suppose I cannot write ETC here because ETC means End of Thinking Capacity and that cannot happen now , can it..?

You were spot-on when you told the maximum I can do is write a blogpost abusing you.But do you really think I'll be able to 💓 felty abuse you ..?

Everytime I tell you to check the blog and wait for your response but this time I have decided to see how the way time works.So no messages but I do hope you will see this someday and drop a text telling "Hii...How was the exam today".That text is enough to make me forget all my worries and go to next year with a smile.

Meee you and us(us,really..Gautham,you're just kidding na!!..My mind tells mee)

Hiii Aphro,

You n=know what due as I am typing this poist I'm high and listening to My illayaraja songs....guess what I am crying uncontrollably but I feel like callinng you and speaking to you but guess what your phone is very busy dude..One part of me hates myself for putting you through this ..I want to killl myself for dooing this too you.But another part tells me even if you die also your love for her won't die...I really do not know why I love texting you and calling you(Okey...I know why I am doing thisss).I know wee both are opposites dude...you know today when Radz began to feed me cake na..I didn't likeee that ...I didn't want to come also dude..What can I tell when people have time to do collage but even at that time people don't  even remember to tag me in their  Facebook post but expect me to teach them subjects...pathetic poor fucker assholes..see this is what happens  I when I try to be friendly witg people ..Its me who gets hurt in the end.look at you always wanting to be amoingst people and look at me not wanting to see people ....I suppose people like us should be happy with ourselves...I saw your nail polish dude..I don;t know if you noticed me seeing it or not but it was wonderful dude.But I am pissed off at you for not telling alll the bessst dude...who remebers alll these things na even when drunk..I don;t know why I am like this dude.I feel like killing even if I think another person is trying to take you away from you..I am telling you dude..no matter what happenszz I am not ready to lose you even if it is at the cost of losing my sanity...I am trying to call your phone lik e 35 times now dude..sometimes I wonder what would've happen if I would've been dumb and where would that lead us ...you tell me I am smart but guess what I am ready to become dumb foor no one except you ..Okay...No one here in bangalore deserves that except you....It is very difficult being like  this dude.."leave me" you tell so easily..but I tell it is possible only if I die..just tell if that gives you peace;..I'll just go and die dude...I understand you do not want to commmit beacause of guiltyness blablabla...But still dude I have no proper answer for why you and not someoneee else ..Okay..sometimes I wish I should've been in a parrallel world where both of us never meet so that atleast one of us is bery happy na dude..There is some problem between me and deepak dude...he doesn't tell me and I have asked im three times till now...what more can I do dude..He thinks he can put me in his mental box and predict how I am..But trust me dude..what he is doing is almost impossible.No one except you is worth of my time and consideration...I do not knwo even if you will ever love me or not dude..but just kno one thing whatever happens....whenever you wnat you can call me in life and ask me any help you want and this is a promise okey...I am just going to type a text in whatsapp now to you telling to check my blog..you know what dude..everytime I write this I get anxious whether you will like it or not...It is the same feeling I have at times when you call me for talking dude..Sometimes,Whenever I see you in college dude..I instantly feel happy and regret my decision to join this collegee.....

Mowgli's visit to Aphrodisias

Hii Dear,

It feels good to write after a long time.Of course,whenever I think of you it feels good to me with some times being the exception.I do hope it feels good for you to read too.Whenever it has been a long time without me writing in this blog about you,I get this feeling of emptiness within me.Something just comes up in my heart and asks me "
Dude,It has been a long time since you wrote anything,just write a new post about her.Have you stopped thinking about her ?".
To which I answer..
"The moon might not know the reflection it makes on the sea,but the sea surely knows it is it's mind's reflection"
Allow me to tell you one thing dude...I have started to love the night talks which we have and for me it is as real as spending time with you in person.It is the time I have where I have you with me in reality and not only in my mind,as always.I watch my mobile screen like a small child looking at the clay model it has constructed and hoping someone will call from within.One "Hii" from you is enough to send me flying to mars because to me it is not a simple "Hii",It is like the ticket to the greatest time in my life I never want to miss.I cherish every moment of what we have.To hear that one pretty smile of yours,I will start measuring the air I breathe and give it to you to the amount that is equal to number of stars in the world.I wish we could freeze time wherein you and I will be the only people in the whole universe where

The only wind I feel should be the movement of your curls in air
The only smell I ever get should be the smell of love,i.e smell of you
The only sight I see,should be that cute little face of yours
The only thing I touch should be your sensitive skin
The only thing I kiss must be your lips which are as soft as petals of rose.

Sometimes I hate reality for taking you away from me.
I suppose this is when Mowgli comes to me and tells "Dude...How does this even relate to the heading...Is this not cheating?"
I tell him "My dear mowgli,If I tell you the number of times I think I'd be you...you'll think I should be in cave and you should be here"
"Then do me a favour,tell me a good story worth reading or listening to.." Mowgli tells me.
"Here we go,my boy"I tell..

Mowgli,after giving Aphro the wooden carving and getting the medicine,is now helping her fight the beasts.They have crossed quite a few dangerous ones.But she is still away in her kingdom,A beautiful place called as Aphrodisias.He decides to meet her and starts a dangerous journey of self discovery.Mowgli has this small shell of his wherein he pretends he is talking to Aphro every night and hears his own voice thinking this is how she will speak if she were here to hear me.
"Tomorrow morning,I am going to meet you in your kingdom and it is a surprise"
"Lol..Mowgli..you don't even know on which forest I get down ..How can you reach me and moreover how many times have I told you not to come to receive me or anything..?"
"It's all fine dear..Who told I am going to come"Mowgli tells but he has already made up his mind to go meet her.
On his way,He meets a strange animal named mavis which,by chance is a good friend of His Aphro..he and Aphro have been friends for a long time and he is a bit elder to Aphro.
"Hey there...I am going to meet my Aphro..I've heard you and her are like best friends from a long time"Mowgli told
"Well..Yes yes,that is true I have just come back from meeting her.The thing she is having a same problem as me and we had a very tough time deciding what to do"Mavis said.
"Cmon mavis..she is already confused ..please don't confuse her more..just leave her like the time"Mowgli told and went further
After sometime he met with a talking animal call kinar which told him.."I've known Aphro for more than 8 years and you know what she likes to spend more time with me than anyone else in this world.Whenever we meet after a long time I will take her to Ninad hills where in we will spend the entire day watching sun-rise and what fun we have always!!!"
"Ok ok...Now just stop..I am just going to meet her now and I have been looking for you from a long time...you know what she might have spent 8 years with you but I want her to spend her next 80 year with me"
"Cool dude...Just make sure she understands this"Kinar told and then left.
After sometime along the way he met with his two old animal friends Akdepe and Rashkin,the ones who get chances to play with Aphro the way he can never even think of doing
"See guys...I know you guys love playing with Aphro and sure don't think beyond that.But Let me tell you one thing..I do not like it when people try to take something that belongs to me"
"Cool bro..you know about us na..why you are like this?"
"Take my body I will spare you but if you try take my mind I will not even think twice before killing you"Mowgli told and left that place and he thought that applied to Mavis and kinar also.Maybe Aphro can cure him of his possessive thoughts ...

Did he meet her?How does she react?What happens to international beast they had to fight?...We will see in next post,won't we..?

Welcome to my world - memories ashore

Before starting this there is one more Welcome to my world in my blog, I suggest you read it too to get a glimpse of me two years back !!

Hii Dear,

Good morning.As I type this post sitting inside the bus here in Majestic I can't help but think of the time we travelled together from here to hostel (That's the only date sortof thing you'll ever get,Ok) . I'm just passing the Anandrao circle .Yes,the place where I noticed you were wearing lip balm that night and the place where people asked us if we need a lodge (isn't it interesting how people see us only in the way they want and logically why would a couple need a room when we have a very nice 2+1 seater in a bus )..I know early morning Cheee!!.Now,Did I miss you these three days .. Ofcourse I did..Infact the day I went to beach I started to write on sand .What did I think when I was doing that?

Then I decided to speak with the waves,

"Hey there,Waves" I told them,

"Yo dude wassup..Long time no see..Any problem" they asked

"I've been busy dude..I'm doing PGDM in bangalore" I said

"But we never used to talk about studies,remember..It's been what,like 8 years and from that time you always come to us for any type of solutions"

"That's right but this time I'm riding on a different wave" I told

"Do you sea me laughing for this kind of jokes" the wave retorted

I told "Accha waves,just tell me this thing..

Everytime you come to shores and wash away what's there do you think the shore likes it ..

Are you not destroying things which the shore possesses of value?
What do you expect in return by taking things which you don't know how to handle and don't deserve ? "

The wave then saw it's friend and asked "Hey Moon,Look who's here..!!..I think this boy has got himself into a quagmire"

Then the moon said "Remember the days when you used to stare at my reflection on sea with such an awe that I had to look down to see myself to confirm if I'm that much beautiful"

"Yes,I came here because you guys gave me a loneliness that made me feel alive and personal" I told

"Have you ever noticed the difference between water in a river and sea " the moon asked me

"No,please lighten me"  I told

"The water in river is always sparkling clean yet when it comes to sea the water becomes dark" the moon told.

"Yo moon,don't troll us,we don't need this from a person who increases and decreases multiple times within the same month,atleast we never go out of space" wave flashed back

"I suppose all the loose things drift down the sea" I told

"Atleast they know where they are going,but once don't drown yourself into someone else's mind thinking you know where it will take you" the wave told.

"How did you know it was a girl??" the boy asked shockingly

"Till now when you used to come you'd embrace us the moment you saw us,remember..But this time you are just sitting in the shore and talking to us" the wave told

"There is always a reason,for you coming here and for us being dark and we talking to you" the moon told

"Guys guys ...This boy is writing something on me" the shore exclaimed

"Cmon now...we don't want any love quotes " the waves told

"Dude..the boy is writing to get a reflection of this quote in himself by seeing how I reflect it" the moon told

What did I write on the shore

"Does karma work in love?"

"You know I'm going to wash that away now,don't you?" the wave said

"I know that you will..When I look at you I realize not every time you come to meet the shore.Sometimes you end even before reaching the destination" I told 

"Duuude....I don't know" the wave,moon and shore shouted in chorus

"Had I told the sea what I felt for you,It would have left its shores,shells and moon and followed me" the boy thought as he saw a small crab digging it's own hole so meticulously and deeply without thinking about the wave which would close the hole forever.

Thoughts - you me and we

Hii Dear,

This post will be a part by part series and how it relates with title will be understood by you in the end.Anyways,How do you expect me to jot down your thoughts in one part?

We'll start this post with a story..You like stories don't you ..Stories are of three types

1) Stories we love to read/listen to
2) Stories we love to tell others
3) Stories we love to tell ourselves

Have you ever wondered from where these stories come from and is there any story which you can listen from all the three vantage points.

Will that change anything you know about the story ?
Will you try to fit the tits(cheee dude) and bits of what you know along the gaps in the story?
What arouses you before hearing the story?..Is it the story itself or the person who tells it ?

Did you know that when you speak bad about someone to another person,the listener unconsciously attribute the negative qualities to you?..Just one more ways in which our mysterious minds work.

Having told all these..I just wanted to tell you a story about our boy Mowgli.

In the jungle full of dark green leaves and trees,inside the cave in which he lived he was getting ready to meet his girl Aphro. His sense of dressing is also very simple and wears the dresses in which he feels comfortable and pretty much doesn't care about the colors and all.He was just feeling a bit low because of the fact that he had a very bitter conversation with Blindspot sometime back and it did not end really well.They were just going to talk after a long time.It just happened that in the days when they did not talk Aphro did not give him the medicine which was much needed to prepare himself for the battles that lay ahead.Even Mowgli himself had promised to teach her something about a new animal which was about to attack the jungle in a few days and teach her a few techniques so that she can save herself from the beast.The attacking pattern of the beast was very different.It just attacked the maximum people it can in afternoon times and people often use the nights to get ready for the attack.The attacks lasted for a period of 10 days and each day it would come in new shape/form so that it could surprise the people but it's nature never changed. Even though Aphro had faced beasts like this before,this time she was not that much confident.Maybe it was because of Mowgli's arrival into her life or because she really was not willing to see things that way.However,It was often Mowgli who told her "Don't worry. Together we can face any beast that comes along our way".Still it was his duty to teach her the important lessons,so he was glad he'd got that opportunity.

He just got ready and told her to come near the place where all the animals gather at night to go for a small stroll with their fellow animals.

As Mowgli was walking alone he saw some of his fellow mates and thought to himself "Look at the way these animals behave.Some come here looking for some food while other's have their food but still come here to consume it.Just the way darkness has consumed them.It really must be some "Dark Temptation"

Then he saw Aphro coming towards him.

"What can I tell about her ..."Impeccable color sense and dressing sense as always"

"Hii", she said

"Hii dude..Looking very good today" he told

She gave him that million dollar smile of hers which he could feel in his pocket and told "Shut up Okay!!"

And then he called her for a walk then he told "I am going to tell you a story now.It's about a bird and the stones it collects.you know what I will ask in the end na!!"

"Okay.But don't ask me to find any message or moral from that.you know I am bad at it na!!"

"This is the story of my friend bird.It goes like this.She floated in the sky, and she was free catching worms for lunch, swam in the summer rain.But she had a habit: every time some event occurred in her life, whether good or bad, the bird picked up a stone from the ground. Every day she sorted out her stones, laughed remembering joyful events, and cried remembering the sad ones.That bird always took the stones with her, whether she was flying in the sky or walking on the earth, she never forgot about them. The years have passed, and free bird got a lot of stones, but she still kept on sorting them, remembering the past. It was becoming more and more difficult to fly, and one day a bird was unable to do this.The bird that was free some time ago, could not walk on the earth, she was unable to make a move by her own. She could not catch midges anymore; only rare rain gave her the necessary moisture. But a bird bravely endured all the hardships, guarding her precious memories.After some time a bird died of the starvation and thirst. And only a pitiful bunch of worthless stones reminded of her for a long time"
"Wow..You sure write nice stories Mowgli,Someday you can carve these in a Banyan tree.But I am not able to figure out what it means"
"This story has two meanings dude".
"It tells that when you want to do something start it afresh and do not worry about the results.Let go of your past if you want the future which you deserve"
"Why are you like this dude..Always relating everything to that" she told
"I'm talking about facing the animal dude.Don't read between lines ok"
"Oh ok dude..I've got the medicine which you asked for and remember when I asked what I will get in return for giving you this" she told
"Dude..Isn't the story which I told now not worth it" he told
"Umm..Let me think..What else have you got to convince me"
"I have a carving made up of wood which is very special to me and I don't give the things I mean to anyone else .I've told about this to you.I have got it with me now and you can take it.
"Ummm..Okay.Show it to me.But as I tell you always NO GIFTS" she told
"Sure Dude.Once I use the medicine and after you cross the beast you can give it back to me" he told.

What happened to teaching her? Did she defeat the beast?How did Mowgli help her in defeating it?Did she realize real beasts are the one's we do not want to face?
To be continued.............................................................

Break Down and Patch up..

Hii Dude,

It feels very good to be back doesn't it?..Before you read this, just go back and read "Me in conversation with myself" and then start this.Now that you have read that , You might think why not the other post which he showed to me in college today...Let's make it more interesting..I will give you a random excerpts from that article for now..rest we can see the rest as time proceeds..

1) Who told rape was only physical..I had a mental rape that day..Yes,you raped me by my thoughts and I didn't know you had such voyeuristic desires.

2) It was like my mind caught in a mindstrom and figuring out a way to come out of it was very hard,I tell you.You could've made me naked in front of a crowd and I'd feel less ashamed about myself  when compared with this.

I got very upset that day when you told "I must've known where to draw the line".I was like "Look at you trying to make her as circle of your life and her trying to draw an invisible line". I am sure you had your own justifications for telling it.That line, my dear,made me thinking a lot and I read 4 books in a span of 3 days.You were very pretty during farewell and I thought of taking a pic with you.I remember telling myself not to search for you anywhere in crowd but the moment I saw Joshith I knew you'd be there and I was not able to stop my eyes from searching for you.I also had a moment of happiness when I saw we both were wearing same color(Ok..Ok..Almost similar) dresses.But even after that incident,I thought I will not talk to you from then on.I tell you these scents and memories are very powerful.I was like "Why should I be the one who will talk to her first..One me was telling "Leave all these and go talk to her I'm sure she did not mean it in dark twisted way you think" while to other me was like "Shut up..you're the one spoiling him..See ..she also sees you're not talking with her and I'm sure she doesn't miss you or your non-sense prophecies.I did not even know you tried talking with me with the topic of bonafide.I tried the my friend's model of not talking to that specific person but talking to anyone or everyone who is around.But For a man who has lost everything in those dark flaring eyes of your's ignoring you was as difficult as it is for a candle to ignore the fire.I was able to hold on to it till today.I see you laughing and thinking why is this guy talking to everyone but not me?.Is he trying to tell something to me or should I just wait for sometime?.Reading my blog was a good thought of your's I can tell but my drafts are all drafts till the right person comes and both of us choose to publish it.But these three days,I've thought a lot about us and it helped me gain an insider view of things which I think you will see as the time passes.Can you believe I spent most of time today thinking when we'll talk with her..In period or in break or when you were just sitting outside after answering the OM questionnaire(or test IDK!!).Finally when the moment came,who else than Radz/mom to patch up things..I like the way she tries to guess things and gets it wrong most of the time.But I tell you I suppose only two types of people do not look into eyes of a person directly.One who is trying to hide a lie and someone who is trying to hide a love.Which type I was these two days is upto you to find and tell me.

Me in conversation with myself

Hii Gautham,

This is a conversation which you are having with yourself.Kindly note that we are fully drunk while writing this.(you think whatever you tell while you are drunk is supposed to be a secret,what kind of a man you are).Anyways,I suppose thiss makes it qualified for a secret which no one should know other than us or our future wife maybe.

Me:- tell me this Gautham,why you are like ..whatever I write will be shown to my future wife..
He:- well,that is because that I want her to know of my past and nothing should be hidden.For fuck's sake she has come from a different family expectung that you will help her in becoming her better half.Do you wannt to spoil that alsos....
Me:- Dude,I think you are right only ok,...But still let me tell you one thing...how can you know that the wife whomever comes will be true to you in first place..I medoesnan what kind of a person likes a introvert...
He:- well dude,let me telll you one thing,just because the girl whom you had loved in college hAD rewjected you,doesn't mean people will never understand youj.
Me:- So,how do you tell it to your wife that..understanding you is extremely complex and living with you is another differernt thing.//...
He:- Well dude..that's how it works...you want your wife to be happy and understanding,,.you have to be like an open  book to her.
Me:- I think I cannot do that.......
He:- Why bro...?
Me:- All over my life,I have been used to being shy and not letting people know how I feel truly .Hence me being open to a person is like very difficult and I believe that the person should earn it.
He:- Yes..And what if that person is not even willing to try and do things.
Me:- You know that will hurt both of us , don't you..?
He:- Yep,but how does it answer your question..
Me:- I suggest we will continue this post when we are drunk again..till then Bye to me and myself