The Nature of Grief !!

Hii there,

I'm still thinking how to word the thoughts and emotions I undergo lately.I'm going in my car,driving and suddenly from somewhere a song comes up in the radio.Somewhere along the way as I am listening to the songs,especially the lyrics my eyes start watering up even though I am consciously trying to avoid this recurring event for quite sometime now.Songs are different,lyrics are different but somehow,the same feeling of fear,being trapped and a sense of helplessness settles in.Have you ever felt how it is to be wanting to be trapped inside a thought you are desperately wanting to get out all the time ? ..Well..that is how grief is..It is personal and multi dimensional not to mention self depreciating.I am not sure to whom to talk about this.I cry for a while and then wish it would be better tomorrow and proceed further.Why is this happening,even now ?,I wonder..How much I wish there was a simple and straight forward answer to that.I've had my close friend telling how she used me as per her convenience and let me off when her work was over.But how could I tell her that I have not felt a longing for something/someone like this before in my lifetime ? ..When does it become easy to look and walk away from her and all the memories she is hell bound on giving me,I wonder ?..I feel like I've spent an entire year trying to put things together..Have you ever felt the need to recreate the fire from ashes just to understand why the ashes have burnt this way ? ..Well,If you do I definitely understand you.Beacuse not a day goes by where I wish I should've handled this in a better way.I've began to look at things and think none of this matters anyways , so why should I even care ?..Try not to think about the nature and order of things in this world.Time is what makes things easier and what scares me the most now ..Would there be a day when I will forget about her completely or would I carry on like this forever living a parallel life all the time .. ? ..I hope time will bring me all the unexpected answers for the most wanted questions !!

Regards,
You know me that well,don't you ?

What has gotten into me ?

Hii There,
I did not write for a long time because somehow words were flowing like before.Even now,I am writing because I do not know how long it will be like how it is now.These days nothing excites me and there is nothing I look forward to.I have run away from bangalore and have started to work here in Chennai.Whenever I think of Bangalore,I am not able to erase the memories which torment me all the time.I've become so used to being like this that I do not think I would be able to allow someone else this closer in my life.I try not to think much of the past and live the way addicts do..One day at a time.I feel sad all of a sudden for no reason and sometimes feel like crying for no reason at all.I'm reading more fiction and non fiction books to cope up.But looks like the If's and But's would never leave me alone.What if I had done this like that ? What If I could've handled it in a better way ? What was I lacking ? .. All these are very tough and ugly questions which I always tell people to avoid.Yet here I am not practicing what I preach.I am not sure what I've lost but what fears me the most is I find my future very dark and uninspiring.

To my(our) Future ?!?

Hii there,

I don't know who you are but I will find you ,rip your soul apart by loving you more than anyone else in the world.How can anyone love someone who has not yet been met,you might ask ?..I assume this would be a easier task to do than to think of the way I am feeling now.I am not sure about the way these days pass by me.Seems like I'm not at all interested in anything and I fear loving another human more than anything else. I could call this as being stuck in the past if I were to tell myself from a 3rd person point of view.But it is becoming very tough to crawl out of her memories.I am not able to fully think it was all for my good.I still crave for her laughter and voice all the time.It doesn't take a long time now for me to drop things I do and go back to comfort zone of memories and shut myself out.I sit here in the corner of the highway road and think about where my life is heading.I have lost faith in marriage and attachment whatsoever.I didn't know I could be attached to onething untill I met you.Now I realize it's even more difficult to attach myself to anything anymore.This emptiness is crushing me.I run away from emotional baggages like anything.I am not sure I'd be able to do justice to another person who so believes me to give supports of all kind.I am not sure when I'll recover or if at all it is possible to recover.I always have thought of life like a long stretch of time but these days I want it to end so quickly as I do not find any point in continuing forward in this state.
To whoever is reading this...please remember if I've told you about her and this blog,it means I've trusted you like no one else before and please understand she broke me into a million pieces which I'm not sure even time will mend.However,(Yaaay ...the real reason for the tatoo is she, incase I've told you something else,give me a angry stare now and ask Mee why'd I lied to you..okey ? ) I will definitely love you a lot more than ? ..I leave it to you to complete this !!!