I honestly do not know what to post about the things and the way they escalated very quickly in the past few weeks.You know what is the main problem of being like this..When something of this magnitude happens quite frankly speaking I do not have anyone other than the person who gave me this to talk about.I suppose this is going to be my biggest weakness.But Sometimes we need to keep our weaknesses alive so that strengths can be improved.Crazy theory of mine,Yes I know but still this is how i prefer to look at the things.What more can I write about the way things came to a tipping point.I was told to stop victimizing , I feel like I'm the victim and the accused in this case,just like it happens with Rape cases,only here it is mental and not physical.The day this happened,I remember going along beach road,looking at the sea and thinking what went wrong and suddenly from nowhere my eyes become moist and tears start flowing along like the waves in sea.Maybe I was not ready to accept the reality,fuck maybe Yes,I was not ready to accept the reality.I thought I loved her in a way no one could ever in this universe.Apparently , she never wished to see its depth.I talked about everything to her my dreams,ambitions,thoughts to paint , house , cousin marriage etc.Even in broken WhatsApp calls I was very happy to hear her voice and used to wait and pick up the train once our calls are over.Like a madman I was realizing I was making her happy with all these conversations but in the end it seemed , all I was mad on was my love for her and she was never happy all the way along.The days till now are the hardest.I used to think the joy of getting a message from her "It was all a big mistake.Things are back to normal".I did not even wanted to know who's fault or who must ask sorry and all.I see something and remember what I used to talk to her and I smell her perfume I used to remember the initial days where I'd loved her perfume more than her.But as time goes I feel like she has pulled out something from me which can never be replaced.I gave her my entire me but without even concerned what will happen if she stops talking to me one day.I have started questioning my sanity and the purpose of this life nowadays.I even thought of writing a post abusing her for this but I am not even able to think of it.Wherever she is , she must be loved and deserves all the love in the world.But the thought of seeing her back puts my mind on a thorn-bed.But I have to go to bangalore back on June 8 and meet her on June 12 like nothing happened and I'd trade my heart off to avoid such a scenario.There is something called as PGDM and she happens to be in same class as I am.I just wish time will fly away for the next two semesters and I won't see her again at all.She has lost a good friend and what have I lost...?...I've lost my thoughts,direction and path inshort a piece of me which I do not know what will happen to.These days I just roam like a corpse doing what other people and my environment expects me to do.But again,She had thought me many things and I should've stopped over stretching my mind's limits trying to fit my imagination as my thoughts.But the way this has happened she could've killed me instead and I'd be happier,maybe who knows the route things take.
Wednesday, 24 May 2017
Wednesday, 10 May 2017
Measuring the Distance - PART I ( School life )
Imagine a situation like this..
Two guys are studying the same class. We will call them as G & H.One day both of them get into a quarrel where in G calls H as "Bastard-Son of a bitch".G knows it is a bad word but doesn't know what it means,yet.On hearing this H gets offended and complaints to the PT(Physical Training) teacher in the school and she takes him to ClassTeacher.The ClassTeacher asks G "How can you tell the word without knowing it's meaning and it is a derogatory word not to be used in school premises".G didn't have the balls to tell that it was thought to him by his cousin's in their grandparent's 60th anniversary function at thirukadaiyur the previous night.G stands simply infront of the teacher not knowing what to tell and is ashamed of himself.After getting enough scoldings from PT teacher and ClassTeacher,G is told to go and sit down in class for the whole day,as punishment.G also accepts this and sits.But internally he is very angry and takes the divider and compass from his geometry box with the sheer force of his angry thoughts,he starts to bend it and breaks it into pieces.By the end of the period,he succeeds but did not notice the sharp part of compass piercing into his legs.On finding blood from his legs,he takes the turkey towel which he uses as a table spread during the lunch period and wraps it around the wounded area to stop bleeding and removes the needle as well from his flesh.And then when the bleeding finally stops in evening , before going home he takes the blood soaked towel and disposes it in garbage dump on his way home and makes a cut in his pants so that it matches the size of the wound.Going home he tells that the bleeding was due to a rusted nail in sitting bench and it stuck him when he was got up during interval break.
G has not spoken to H after that incident.
Hii,
Welcome to my school life and the "G" in the above story is none other than me , Gautham. Till date No one knows of that incident. Of course,people might know upto me getting scoldings from PT teacher and coming back to class . After that whatever happened is strictly confidential,till now.I still do not know what happened to me in that 45 mins time and how many times I have tried to bend Compass and Divider in the way I did that day I am not able to do it.That was one of the few times in my life where I get real angry. , my thoughts or emotions never show up or I haven't met any one who reads me that much well till now.On the other hand,I make sure that that much of anger threshold is not attained anymore.I have succeeded till now , though partially ...I am much better at dissipating my angry thoughts in a better way.
I came to my school when I was about to study 3rd standard from Bangalore.An average student with no serious interest for any subjects and a quiet boy who does not likes to get involved himself in any of activities happening was what teachers told to my parents just before 12th standard public exam , during parent-teachers meet.PRINCE MATRICULATION HIGHER SECONDARY SCHOOL is the name of my school.Our school did not emphasize much on sports and extra curricular activities but studies was of utmost priority.But it does not make things easier for an average kid like me.More than school I loved to come to home(A thing that has not changed till now !!) and just to see my mom . I will tell what all happened in school that day.My father used to teach me language(Tamil) subject in the terrace of our flat and the sound of his beating would reach flats present in ground floor.( We were living in 1st floor BTW.).Maths and Chemistry were the two subjects which I hated the most ..Maybe due to teachers or due to lack of interest IDK.Still,I always used to score just pass marks needed in two of them.GK and History always remain close to my heart mostly due to my liking towards that subject teachers.When I was studying 6th standard,I had a good time in our school's annual science exhibition where I roamed all day with two girl class mates of mine.It was fun seeing all the science projects , chemical reactions , horror shows and it was like a festival for our school.I used to listen to speech of great poets and scholars who came there as guests.I lost touch with them eventually , as it happens always.I thought these people will be my best friends through out life.LIFE must have been laughing at me from shadows.Then the Angry Compass Thingy happened in VI-C.One funny thing about our school is that till VI we were co-ed and in VII me , along with 4 boys were transferred to another section from VII-A to VII-C for a reason I do not understand till now.But it was in that class I become a top 10 rank getting student.I used to get 7th and 6th ranks , from 21st rank which was in previous sections.It made everyone happier and my parents thought my child had finally reached his true potential and will not stop excelling from now on.But it also did not last for a long time.When the all boys class became co ed again in VIII standard , I became average again.I was transferred to VIII E2 .We used to tease a girl called Meenakshi priya by telling a boy's name from another class and she'd turnback and smile at us everytime we told that.I was sitting in last bench along with another boy called Pravin Kumar.It was in this class I met one boy called Athipathi Raj and he had a hospital in his name in our area.I thought how cool is that and he used to bring nice dishes for lunch and give all to me . He had crush on another girl from one class and I used to accompany him daily to see her.I did not have the thing needed to talk to girls and I remain like that even now.I have the fear of talking and I loathe small talks .I never wanted to know "What's up & how's life going now" to people whom I barely know.It never bothered me till one incident which happened pretty recently.I used to love Scarlet pimpernel and Ramayan told during Non Detail English and Hindi periods.I used to read the entire book in one sitting not waiting for the teacher to complete it in the weekly - one period which we had at that time for non detail.It was on every thursday and I would wait for those day to come.Then Xth standard exams came and I thought if I studied and got good marks now..My entire life will have only happiness.How foolish of me to think like that.Still I used to go to tuition to one Maths teacher to whom I owe my entire life to.Because of her only,I got good marks in Maths.I was able to score 89.5% in that exam.I remember my mom making sweets and bajji on that day to celebrate this achievement of mine.I father also called all of his colleagues to tell this news.I saw this result in a internet cafe near to our school and till the result came on screen , the thought of failures chased me and I was very very happy that I got this marks.For a boy who got 70/200 in school model exams and getting 180-ish marks in end term is a very huge task.I thanked that teacher and she also invited us to her marriage.I was the happiest child in that time.But I lost my dear friend to Mark Monster.I took Computer Science and he took Commerce because he got less than 80%.Only students above 80% took computer science or biology and it was a rule in our school.I did not know the difference between biology and computer science ,course-wise or decision-wise.I just took Computer science and thought life is almost good when teachers in XI told this is the year where you can relax because the big daddy XII is just around the corner.It was in this time that I two people who remain best friends with me till now and I'm mostly glad for that.We all used to sit in the same bench and rarely talked with the opposite sex.The other two were consistent rank holders from UKG and used to get within first three ranks always.Then there is me...!!!...Still I was very happy and to get ready for next phase of battle I had to go to tuition for Maths - Physics - Chemistry . We were fortunate enough to have tutored by same people who co-authored our books.5000 per year was the fees and since maths was not good ,I studied it in another place.This was my schedule for one and half year,the whole of my 12th standard.
Wake up - 4.30(Ofcourse,AM)
Maths tuition-5
School tuition - 7
School 9-4
School tuition 4.30-7
The initial honeymoon period was good but towards the end I lost interest in all subjects and started bunking all the tuition classes.We used to have 4 model tests before the final public exam.I somehow managed to get 86% in public exam and credits go to my tuition teachers and some school teachers.It was during this age that I had first porn watching experience.I remember going to one friend's house to study for Chemistry and half waay through we both lost interest in it.His brother had got him a PC with a good internet connection.We stumbled upon 69.com through some universal conspiracy and then saw two naked people fucking each other.Instantly,I felt gross and felt like puking but it did not leave my mind till the exam got over.It continues till now.I do not feel like puking now but It was my top addiction and stress reliever and I had a tough time changing it to Books.Though it is not like before,it does c(u)ome from time to time !!!
I always have a thought in back of my mind from time to time...
What if I had spoken to many people and developed many connections in school,Will I be the person I am now , atleast you'd have gotten rid of me....!!!!!
Two guys are studying the same class. We will call them as G & H.One day both of them get into a quarrel where in G calls H as "Bastard-Son of a bitch".G knows it is a bad word but doesn't know what it means,yet.On hearing this H gets offended and complaints to the PT(Physical Training) teacher in the school and she takes him to ClassTeacher.The ClassTeacher asks G "How can you tell the word without knowing it's meaning and it is a derogatory word not to be used in school premises".G didn't have the balls to tell that it was thought to him by his cousin's in their grandparent's 60th anniversary function at thirukadaiyur the previous night.G stands simply infront of the teacher not knowing what to tell and is ashamed of himself.After getting enough scoldings from PT teacher and ClassTeacher,G is told to go and sit down in class for the whole day,as punishment.G also accepts this and sits.But internally he is very angry and takes the divider and compass from his geometry box with the sheer force of his angry thoughts,he starts to bend it and breaks it into pieces.By the end of the period,he succeeds but did not notice the sharp part of compass piercing into his legs.On finding blood from his legs,he takes the turkey towel which he uses as a table spread during the lunch period and wraps it around the wounded area to stop bleeding and removes the needle as well from his flesh.And then when the bleeding finally stops in evening , before going home he takes the blood soaked towel and disposes it in garbage dump on his way home and makes a cut in his pants so that it matches the size of the wound.Going home he tells that the bleeding was due to a rusted nail in sitting bench and it stuck him when he was got up during interval break.
G has not spoken to H after that incident.
Hii,
Welcome to my school life and the "G" in the above story is none other than me , Gautham. Till date No one knows of that incident. Of course,people might know upto me getting scoldings from PT teacher and coming back to class . After that whatever happened is strictly confidential,till now.I still do not know what happened to me in that 45 mins time and how many times I have tried to bend Compass and Divider in the way I did that day I am not able to do it.That was one of the few times in my life where I get real angry. , my thoughts or emotions never show up or I haven't met any one who reads me that much well till now.On the other hand,I make sure that that much of anger threshold is not attained anymore.I have succeeded till now , though partially ...I am much better at dissipating my angry thoughts in a better way.
I came to my school when I was about to study 3rd standard from Bangalore.An average student with no serious interest for any subjects and a quiet boy who does not likes to get involved himself in any of activities happening was what teachers told to my parents just before 12th standard public exam , during parent-teachers meet.PRINCE MATRICULATION HIGHER SECONDARY SCHOOL is the name of my school.Our school did not emphasize much on sports and extra curricular activities but studies was of utmost priority.But it does not make things easier for an average kid like me.More than school I loved to come to home(A thing that has not changed till now !!) and just to see my mom . I will tell what all happened in school that day.My father used to teach me language(Tamil) subject in the terrace of our flat and the sound of his beating would reach flats present in ground floor.( We were living in 1st floor BTW.).Maths and Chemistry were the two subjects which I hated the most ..Maybe due to teachers or due to lack of interest IDK.Still,I always used to score just pass marks needed in two of them.GK and History always remain close to my heart mostly due to my liking towards that subject teachers.When I was studying 6th standard,I had a good time in our school's annual science exhibition where I roamed all day with two girl class mates of mine.It was fun seeing all the science projects , chemical reactions , horror shows and it was like a festival for our school.I used to listen to speech of great poets and scholars who came there as guests.I lost touch with them eventually , as it happens always.I thought these people will be my best friends through out life.LIFE must have been laughing at me from shadows.Then the Angry Compass Thingy happened in VI-C.One funny thing about our school is that till VI we were co-ed and in VII me , along with 4 boys were transferred to another section from VII-A to VII-C for a reason I do not understand till now.But it was in that class I become a top 10 rank getting student.I used to get 7th and 6th ranks , from 21st rank which was in previous sections.It made everyone happier and my parents thought my child had finally reached his true potential and will not stop excelling from now on.But it also did not last for a long time.When the all boys class became co ed again in VIII standard , I became average again.I was transferred to VIII E2 .We used to tease a girl called Meenakshi priya by telling a boy's name from another class and she'd turnback and smile at us everytime we told that.I was sitting in last bench along with another boy called Pravin Kumar.It was in this class I met one boy called Athipathi Raj and he had a hospital in his name in our area.I thought how cool is that and he used to bring nice dishes for lunch and give all to me . He had crush on another girl from one class and I used to accompany him daily to see her.I did not have the thing needed to talk to girls and I remain like that even now.I have the fear of talking and I loathe small talks .I never wanted to know "What's up & how's life going now" to people whom I barely know.It never bothered me till one incident which happened pretty recently.I used to love Scarlet pimpernel and Ramayan told during Non Detail English and Hindi periods.I used to read the entire book in one sitting not waiting for the teacher to complete it in the weekly - one period which we had at that time for non detail.It was on every thursday and I would wait for those day to come.Then Xth standard exams came and I thought if I studied and got good marks now..My entire life will have only happiness.How foolish of me to think like that.Still I used to go to tuition to one Maths teacher to whom I owe my entire life to.Because of her only,I got good marks in Maths.I was able to score 89.5% in that exam.I remember my mom making sweets and bajji on that day to celebrate this achievement of mine.I father also called all of his colleagues to tell this news.I saw this result in a internet cafe near to our school and till the result came on screen , the thought of failures chased me and I was very very happy that I got this marks.For a boy who got 70/200 in school model exams and getting 180-ish marks in end term is a very huge task.I thanked that teacher and she also invited us to her marriage.I was the happiest child in that time.But I lost my dear friend to Mark Monster.I took Computer Science and he took Commerce because he got less than 80%.Only students above 80% took computer science or biology and it was a rule in our school.I did not know the difference between biology and computer science ,course-wise or decision-wise.I just took Computer science and thought life is almost good when teachers in XI told this is the year where you can relax because the big daddy XII is just around the corner.It was in this time that I two people who remain best friends with me till now and I'm mostly glad for that.We all used to sit in the same bench and rarely talked with the opposite sex.The other two were consistent rank holders from UKG and used to get within first three ranks always.Then there is me...!!!...Still I was very happy and to get ready for next phase of battle I had to go to tuition for Maths - Physics - Chemistry . We were fortunate enough to have tutored by same people who co-authored our books.5000 per year was the fees and since maths was not good ,I studied it in another place.This was my schedule for one and half year,the whole of my 12th standard.
Wake up - 4.30(Ofcourse,AM)
Maths tuition-5
School tuition - 7
School 9-4
School tuition 4.30-7
The initial honeymoon period was good but towards the end I lost interest in all subjects and started bunking all the tuition classes.We used to have 4 model tests before the final public exam.I somehow managed to get 86% in public exam and credits go to my tuition teachers and some school teachers.It was during this age that I had first porn watching experience.I remember going to one friend's house to study for Chemistry and half waay through we both lost interest in it.His brother had got him a PC with a good internet connection.We stumbled upon 69.com through some universal conspiracy and then saw two naked people fucking each other.Instantly,I felt gross and felt like puking but it did not leave my mind till the exam got over.It continues till now.I do not feel like puking now but It was my top addiction and stress reliever and I had a tough time changing it to Books.Though it is not like before,it does c(u)ome from time to time !!!
I always have a thought in back of my mind from time to time...
What if I had spoken to many people and developed many connections in school,Will I be the person I am now , atleast you'd have gotten rid of me....!!!!!
Saturday, 6 May 2017
The time machine of memories - PAST
Ahoy!!
I have always wondered would it be interesting if we managed to go back in the past and see our former versions and interact with them.I strongly believe most of the human beings change as time passes due to changes in our priorities,environment and life experience.Would you warn him about the potential problems in future or try to explain to him that whatever you are thinking today would be obsolete in future and help him get ready for the future.How many possibilities and dimensions that would open.? It will be like looking into a binocular except in this one you can see both your past and future.Imagination is which a powerful tool when assisted by memories can help you create your own time machine.So now,you might ask which version of you are you ready to meet in case you get a time machine(haha...you can't even get whom you want in present time ..talk about optimism !! )Still lives run and shine on hope.So I am going to meet myself last year (i.e) on May 2016. The present me will be addressed as MeMe(Reason for choosing this name:- MeMe's are supposed to be funny and why to make one when you can be one.It is to be pronounced as MaeMae and not MeeMee,Okay? ) and past me as MeWho ...
It is a fine evening and MeWho has paid 50k registration at MSRIM to join the PGDM course in 2016-18.
MeMe:- Hii There buddy..wasuppp !!!
MeWho:- oh hi..Don't creep me out ok..just tell me who are you and how come you look like me..?
MeMe:- I am you,from the future..!!
MeWho:-How cool is that,future means what ...like in 2050..
MeMe:- Aiyadaa....If you remain young till that think of the torture you'll give to that girl..?
MeWho:- Girl?..Which girl..?..And why should I torture a girl whom I do not even know..
MeMe:- Yes..her smile is equal to shine of thousand stars and her hair is like the gentle sea waves flowing over a strong undercurrent within the ocean
MeWho:- Whoa !!...Dude..I know I am pretty poetic and all but till now it is only in your(our) head na ..!!
MeMe:- That is kind of truth but you know what this girl is like one of a kind and she is not like normal girls.
MeWho:- HaHa..See who is talking about girls..Remember the days when we feared talking to girls..I suppose you still are ..to new girls..!!!
MeMe:- Yeah yeah the fear is always there but you know the interesting part-PGDM is not as hard as you are thinking right now.Infact it is quite easy than the shitty TL work you are doing now.
MeWho:- Dood,Just FYI..This is the job that has given you the source to all this imagination...KINDLE
MeMe:- Yes..My best companion of all time...How can I forget that...
MeWho:- Just out of curiosity..Did you complete that War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy..Because you stopped reading it after 10 - 20 pages..
MeMe:- Well..I haven't but I always use that word with her when we talk.
MeWho:- Look at you getting so excited when you are talking about her..!!
MeMe:- That's exactly the truth.We are doing many things which we often dreamed of doing.
MeWho:- Accha..What's that girl's name..
MeMe:- How Can I tell it to you ....She has only one name but I have given her multiple ones..
MeWho:- Then tell me the one she likes the most.
MeMe:- I don't know if she likes it or not but Aphro is the mostly preferred name.
MeWho:- Aphro !?!..What does that even mean..
MeMe:- Have patience my dear me...You are about to find out eventually..!!
MeWho:- Did you finally open up to her about our love..?
MeMe:- Ofcourse yes,We have improved our communication skills now , PGDM PGDM remember..!!
MeWho:- What did she tell...!!
MeMe:- It is kind of complicated bro..!!
MeWho:- Bro va?Otha what language is this..Bro/Duude..
MeMe:- well,we get a couple of friends in MSRIM and just as environment spreads ...this also infects you ...
MeWho:- Good for you ..But this Love thingy na ... It'll not work for us .. It'll only damage us ..Okay ..!?
MeWho:- Whoa !!...Dude..I know I am pretty poetic and all but till now it is only in your(our) head na ..!!
MeMe:- That is kind of truth but you know what this girl is like one of a kind and she is not like normal girls.
MeWho:- HaHa..See who is talking about girls..Remember the days when we feared talking to girls..I suppose you still are ..to new girls..!!!
MeMe:- Yeah yeah the fear is always there but you know the interesting part-PGDM is not as hard as you are thinking right now.Infact it is quite easy than the shitty TL work you are doing now.
MeWho:- Dood,Just FYI..This is the job that has given you the source to all this imagination...KINDLE
MeMe:- Yes..My best companion of all time...How can I forget that...
MeWho:- Just out of curiosity..Did you complete that War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy..Because you stopped reading it after 10 - 20 pages..
MeMe:- Well..I haven't but I always use that word with her when we talk.
MeWho:- Look at you getting so excited when you are talking about her..!!
MeMe:- That's exactly the truth.We are doing many things which we often dreamed of doing.
MeWho:- Accha..What's that girl's name..
MeMe:- How Can I tell it to you ....She has only one name but I have given her multiple ones..
MeWho:- Then tell me the one she likes the most.
MeMe:- I don't know if she likes it or not but Aphro is the mostly preferred name.
MeWho:- Aphro !?!..What does that even mean..
MeMe:- Have patience my dear me...You are about to find out eventually..!!
MeWho:- Did you finally open up to her about our love..?
MeMe:- Ofcourse yes,We have improved our communication skills now , PGDM PGDM remember..!!
MeWho:- What did she tell...!!
MeMe:- It is kind of complicated bro..!!
MeWho:- Bro va?Otha what language is this..Bro/Duude..
MeMe:- well,we get a couple of friends in MSRIM and just as environment spreads ...this also infects you ...
MeWho:- Good for you ..But this Love thingy na ... It'll not work for us .. It'll only damage us ..Okay ..!?
MeMe:- Now don't be all negative okey .. It's going to take some time ..
MeWho:- Try to talk normal things okey ..Don't always try to have deep conversations .Talk like a normal person also sometimes .. Hairstyle , internship , first salary are all normal things only , Okay ...!!
MeMe:- wait...How do you even know all these ..You are from the past na ..
MeWho:- That's how you want to think but you know what ..Some things are not going to change ..Past or present or future !!!!!
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