Pondicherry and her

Hii her,.
I've come to pondicherry to booze and forget about you.But look what happens if I get drunk with a bunch of unknown people.They all ask about my love story and I'm too reluctant to share your memories with any third person.Ive told my love story is the routine of all.I cannot start a good story with a breakup,can I?
I sit in this room and think about everything in an instance.you have given me that power.See,I get high to forget u but u comeback with a force I'm not able to take you back into my mind because it's becoming like a man going into an accident just knowing he'll die.I mean we all know there'll be bruises along the way and the person won't come back.Still I go into it everytime and everyday thinking how the output will be different if things had fine smoothly.That,I suppose is a problem we all have.Living in fantasies and thinking one day or other it'll come true.
I came here to make sure I forget you but look what I've got.People think their trauma is bigger than anyone else's.But I suppose I've fallen too deep.Coming out seems like a man crawling out of a black I'm too grieved to even explain it to others..Aren't these trips supposed to serve as a stress buster but ironically they further induce your memories in me.I am not sure what all to remember and what to forget about us or rather me.seems I'll not get anyone who'd understand that now or ever in future.How are you,I heard you got a new iPhone.Glad you replaced your old one.How are your brother and his wife.I remember coming to his marriage.How excited I was to see you that day.Like a child I made sure I wanted to see you first that day.silly me, right?
Maybe that's d point of love.Look at these people trying to get you out of me and me, trying to make sure I don't give u to someone else.Pain is such a private emotion na.it is like giving you away to someone else.I know you probably don't care about me.Incase you did,call or text me !;;

Why are some memories so painful !!!

Hii there,

It has been sometime since I've written.It feels good to be back.Some days go so well that I think of what went on in past only once or twice.But there are many other days when a small piece of memory from the past creates havoc in my present.I was going through old photos for some other purpose and I stumbled upon a photo of her.My heart just skipped a beat and I become like a addict who just realized his drug supply is not going to last forever.Instantaneously,tears start flowing from my eyes and I get hit hard by memories in my head in a way that a 18 wheelar truck just hits when someone is riding along the highway.I just wait for sometime so that I will make myself think something else and tell to myself this is just a passing cloud.People fall in and out of love the way a dispenser throws up a piece of chocolate when you insert a 10 rupee coin.But I've always told people that no matter how hard you hold on to your memories,time will just wash them away or replace them.It is fascinating to find here,I am struggling to do the exact same thing and one second of thought just takes me back to many months back in time.She was my "Maaya" (a) "Magik" who seems to be casting her spell even when she has left me.Someone tells me about coimbatore I think about seeing her in a "I don't know what blue kinda dress" and looking everywhere like a confused person,so that I get to see her before everyone else.I did not want anyone to see her so beautifully before I did,I was selfish in that way I suppose.It is these kind of memories that haunt me and surprisingly one utterance of some random thing/place/event by someone is all that it takes to take me back to her.I think of all the nights and walks I spent with her.I go to college under the pretext of seeing juniors just to look at the room she stayed and the places we've argued and walked together.I get the feeling that those places want to know what happened to us now but It seems almost impossible to tell that it all had to end at someplace.It somehow feels like betraying all the memories of that place and her that I have till now.Such is the nature of some memories that they demand a share of pain as a way of entry and exit ticket.Why do I have to revive every memory of mine with a drop of pain,I wonder and then realize It is fine to pay the price of whatever it asks for,for memories are all the things I've of her and each time I remember her I am trying to disappear into her one memory at a time and the only way to forget her fully is by making sure that I get numb to the pain or to the memories,which I am not sure when it i going to happen in sometime or happen at all !!!

How do things turn out like this ?

I remember talking till the signal dropped each time I travelled to or from Chennai.We spoke about everything under the moon and yes, I'd kill to hear that sound of laughter again.its funny how Everytime I make someone close to me or make myself vulnerable to them they target it spot-on and start hitting where it hurts.I was supposed to move on from you.Move on where,I always wanted to ask.But you wanted me to move away from you.And here I am unable to move anywhere else and living like a corpse thinking why should I survive,all the time.I wanted to talk to you about the moon and back but unfortunately I was having something wrong.I still exist but I find no point in living..maybe I'll change some day or I won't ..!!

What does time do to all of us ?

Hii there,

I went to my PG college yesterday and met a couple of friends from there.It is hauntingly beautiful to see how going to a place just brings back all the memories i had tried to bury all the time.We all do it from time to time.The memories we want to run into do not come up easily but the memories we want to run away from come up as easily as a balloon floating on water.I look at the places I we argued,your flat,the day we had pasta from the little bytes down there and the long walks we used to take,which I assumed would make you special because I have no gone on walks like that with anyone in my life.I wish I could go to your flat and look at your room and celebrate your birthday once more.Do you remember my gift?..Because somehow I cannot seem to forget it.I know this is me holding to you desperately as though my entire life depends on this.I've had a friend telling me you were always like this.Maybe we should not be desperate for anything in our lives,when other people get to know that they take us for a ride and this has happened almost always in my case.There was a best friend whom I thought will be with me for atleast sometime and now even she also doesn't want to talk to me.It seems I'm asking too many questions.We all have answers we do not want questions for.I knew change was inline when I changed to Bangalore again but I did not know it would be this quick.I go to my friend asking how did u leave Bangalore and who packed your luggage's like a madman trying to get a glimpse of his favorite sanity object in the world.He tells me "I can see you've still not recovered from her,so why not text her and become friends".Can I tell him the moment I see your number wishing someother person happiee birthday in our college I start to sob like a kid who has lost his candy?..And bringing you back into my life makes me happy and sad at the same time.Is this what happens when you're not worthy of someone's affection?..Maybe..I'm not sure.My last two years have been a huge success professionally but personally it paints a opposite picture.A Magnanimous failure indeed.I was not able to get anyone who understands me from college.I know I'm a tough cookie to cut but seems people are not even willing to try.Thinking there will always be people who will understand you if you understand them has proved to a failure strategy in recent times.I wanted to tell all this and much more to you despite the fact that you're in no mood to listen.I thought my bestie will atleast listen to what I've got to say,I've understood she's not in the mood to talk to me.So,what do I do now,I sit alone in this dark room of mine and think of things which would be inappropriate to tell to others.I mean what is the point of survival like this?..This question has been bugging me a lot in past days.Why do we need money,experience,sex and happiness when there is no reason why we should survive?...What does time do to all of this...It just makes me question my every thought thinking how long can I be like this ..Maybe for some days or months or my lifetime !!!

The opposite of loving and trying to fit in

Hii there,
               Yesterday was one of the joyful days I'd remember in my lifetime.Well,what did I do.Did I buy anything new ? or did i get drunk fully or did i achieve something highly successful?.Nope.I went with my best friend and invited people for his wedding.What gives you happiness in this? You might ask?.The happiness we all search for is not present in some fancy materialistic ideas but in small occasions which help us to realize how beautiful this short lived life is.We took another best friend of our's,we're all friends from school..from 7th standard.So,that makes it around 15 years,I suppose.It is strangely good when you realize some bonds will be there for a long time.Maybe because it had such a strong foundation,it still grows and accommodates all the changes which the life and time throw along the way.I went and met many of his friends and it was as though I was meeting friends of mine.No wonder they tell,you start resembling the person with whom you spend more time.Be it in terms of habits or character or personality.We had a sumptuous lunch and drove around Chennai inviting people No one has ever asked me to do things like these ever before.I suppose that's what happens when you start connecting with other people in a entirely new manner.So,after a day of constant laughing,teasing and emoting I came back to home around 9 pm.I was talking about the entire day to my mom and explaining what all happened.In the end I asked her "Mom,do you think something has changed in me in past two years and now?".She told "A lot has changed and in fact your sister feels the change more than any other".These days,all the discussions seem to start or end with a philosophical tone.I was not this much psychological or philosophical before I went to Bangalore.I am being asked what happened over there that I had to become this much mature and disconnected in such a short time.How can I tell that I was not accepted by the one person from whom I wanted it badly in bangalore?.I just told my mom I did not fit in in bangalore generally and I had to develop some sort of image or defense mechanism to ensure that I do not get hurt.That is when I realized the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.The more I try to unlove her,I fall further deeply into love.I look at someone on road and think it would be her and I look at the messages she posts in our college group and try to think how would it be for once if she posts a message before me or after me.Maybe she would think about me if she sees my name or would she have stored my number?..She doesn't even look at my statuses.The one for whom I started this blog and wrote posts on how I feel now think I'm non existent."Yes,this is how life is.It is never fair and it is time to move on" I tell to myself often these days.It definitely works,but only slowly like moving a huge mountain of emotions with the power of my thoughts.I came to bangalore to get some friends and take some good memories back.It would be lying if I tell I have completely failed in it but the truth is that I have succeeded only partially and in a way that everything seems to be positive from the outside but on the inside it's all hollow and empty.Coming to the problem of fitting in,right from my childhood I am not used to moving with people closely.I am highly sensitive in nature and cannot take it when anyone close to me tries to cut the ties or treats me in a unacceptable way.This is why I do not trust or gel with larger groups or more people.Infact,this was the feedback given to me by counsellor during the 1st year of college in bangalore.I also tried my best to move with people and where has it got me today ? ? ..SO MUCH FOR SOCIALIZATION AND FITTING IN !!!

How it feels to be Hanging on to every last memory and still try to forget all that happened?

Hii there,

It is amazing how all it takes is a unrelated word or a sentence to go back all into the past and bring out all the memories I've been trying to bury for so long.Previously I used to think,It would be a good day only if I see you,Look at me now.I'm not dead,am I?
Do you remember the walks we used to take or the conversations we used to have late nights and how on exam days I'd not go to the exam hall without seeing you?
I always have enjoyed each and every moment of it.But life has it's own way of dividing and merging things as it marches on,just like time.And yes,if I count the "Maybe's" and "If's" I think of these days,I will be able to fill a football ground with it.I've been doing nothing but thinking from past few days.One day it became so much that I was not able to take it.So I took my two wheeler and roamed along the roads for some 3 hours.Maybe I was thinking if I ride the bike faster and when surroundings get blurry,chances are there that my thoughts could disappear.But hey,some things have to happen the way they always want to or else none of us would be like this.I shout at my close ones for stupid reasons and go into a constant state of panic even for a small change.Pushing people away and worrying why they're not coming back seems to have become my favorite hobby of late.As though I have a world of people who know fully about me,I hopelessly push the one or two people who act as a pillar of strength for me.If at all,I come out of all of this one day,I'd like you to meet them and I'll tell "these are the people who helped me to rebuild myself after you left me there like a dead body in the middle of the desert without any people or purpose to live any further".Undoubtedly,you might have met some of them already !!
Maybe I'm overthinking and there is nothing you have given or done to me.It's all in my head,like always.Anyways,I've stopped thinking there is any purpose or motive to live this life or whatsoever.I never realized how when good things become bad the cost they ask for is impossible to pay,atleast for me.I used to laugh when someone asks what is your strength and weakness.My dears,there is nothing called constant strength or weakness.What can be your strength today can become your weakness in a span of time.Take me for example,When I tell people I thought of suicide sometime back,people tell "I did not seem to notice,you appear very calm and normal.Appearing calm and normal has always been my strength but on the downside,People always think I'll not take anything seriously and in turn do not see the depth of it and dismiss my emotions when they pop out occasionally.Maybe,all of humans are like that.The biggest and strongest of all emotions,"love" was rejected by you and what did I do?.Nothing,just weeping like a small child over spilled milk.Maybe I should start showing my emotions to others occasionally so that they also will think "Yes,he's also capable of showing emotions".If you keep on bottling the emotions,How do you let go of them.Only when they break open can they be let out.
Oh Look at the beauty of emotions !!..When you find the right person,you get all the wrong emotions and when you find the wrong person,you get all the right emotions.Isn't this the story of all of us !!
"You need to move on" I'm told.It's harder than I imagined it to be.Superficially you know you've to but deep down you cannot and you do not want to.To move on,seems like leaving you and part of me with you behind.At this point of time it feels like I want to hang on to every shred of memory I have of ours.
"Time makes things better" I always tell people.No doubt the sharpness of thoughts & pain may dull after months but it seems the sense of loss always deepens.The pain slowly becomes raw and emptiness begins to become vast.
However,without any doubt I will emerge out of this but the question that always looms over my head is this,"Will I be able to make myself vulnerable to someone from now on despite knowing the fact that the wounds of vulnerability can only be hidden but not healed !!!"

My thought Cooker #29/04/2018

Hii There,
Have you ever wondered in life,we have met many people and will meet many people at multiple points of time where you and another person or a group of people seemingly have the same resources at disposal and you might think that all the good or bad things you've done have brought you at this juncture and things will be same for you and that person/group members from now on in such a way that you think that your life without that group of people or individual will almost be impossible for you to live. but life & time have a different agenda?.I've had a couple of those moments in my college.Today was one such incident where I had to attend the marriage of my friend whom I had known from my school & college.He was the one who had tutored me and taught many things to help me reach the place where I am today.There was a time when I thought "I will not leave him for my life as I need more people like him and especially him to guide me through the complex maze of life".We both completed our course and like all other farewells,we promised to stay in touch.I feel that today,technology has made this both easier and tougher.I will come to that portion shortly.He joined in post office and I joined in an IT company.You go to a new place,you meet a couple of people like you & it might be due to a number of reasons like convenience or interests or environment which acts as a enabler and facilitator to nurture your friendship and things go smooth and well and you think you are so blessed to have a group of people so understanding.Time,often is like an earthquake dividing things where ever it goes beyond any concern for the surroundings.Unfortunately,a time comes when you've to bid farewell,albeit a tough one and you take a mental vow to stay in touch with that person/group even when the commonalities you had will start to fade one by one.Your friendship was nurtured over coffee meeting & lunch breaks,good for you but you'll have to lose them once the environment changes.Gradually you lose touch with that part of your life and the events.All the people start fading into background and new ones start replacing the old ones.Suddenly a day comes when one of them in the group has some important life event occurring and he wants you to attend that.You go and attend the event for old times sake or to refresh the long lost memories or replace them with warm and cozy new ones.It is there when you meet the people from other group and you immediately feel like talking to a good old friend whose companionship you've missed for years.But once the Hey-How-do-u-do talk gets over,the daily struggles and other routine topics start to fill your conversations.It is then when you realize that how much times have changed and how life & time do their part in all of our's lives without a second thought or any concern.The same group which had been your entire world is now reduced to one tiny fragment.All along the way you've been thinking your life was the most routine one and someone else comes only to tell theirs is even more tough than you imagine.You begin to think how environments have changed so drastically that there is nothing more common left other than the past which has to be evoked every time you want to connect.This cycle goes on and on in life till anyone of you come back to a new environment for a longer time or eventually die.But some people,can be connected with you despite the changes in environment and interests and those kind of people should be cherished and taken care of with all the energy you have.Don't create unnecessary troubles and fight with these people.You're lucky of you've got one already.What do you think about me ..Do I have a person/group like that or not..?..I suppose only she knows the answer to this question !!!!