What does time do to all of us ?

Hii there,

I went to my PG college yesterday and met a couple of friends from there.It is hauntingly beautiful to see how going to a place just brings back all the memories i had tried to bury all the time.We all do it from time to time.The memories we want to run into do not come up easily but the memories we want to run away from come up as easily as a balloon floating on water.I look at the places I we argued,your flat,the day we had pasta from the little bytes down there and the long walks we used to take,which I assumed would make you special because I have no gone on walks like that with anyone in my life.I wish I could go to your flat and look at your room and celebrate your birthday once more.Do you remember my gift?..Because somehow I cannot seem to forget it.I know this is me holding to you desperately as though my entire life depends on this.I've had a friend telling me you were always like this.Maybe we should not be desperate for anything in our lives,when other people get to know that they take us for a ride and this has happened almost always in my case.There was a best friend whom I thought will be with me for atleast sometime and now even she also doesn't want to talk to me.It seems I'm asking too many questions.We all have answers we do not want questions for.I knew change was inline when I changed to Bangalore again but I did not know it would be this quick.I go to my friend asking how did u leave Bangalore and who packed your luggage's like a madman trying to get a glimpse of his favorite sanity object in the world.He tells me "I can see you've still not recovered from her,so why not text her and become friends".Can I tell him the moment I see your number wishing someother person happiee birthday in our college I start to sob like a kid who has lost his candy?..And bringing you back into my life makes me happy and sad at the same time.Is this what happens when you're not worthy of someone's affection?..Maybe..I'm not sure.My last two years have been a huge success professionally but personally it paints a opposite picture.A Magnanimous failure indeed.I was not able to get anyone who understands me from college.I know I'm a tough cookie to cut but seems people are not even willing to try.Thinking there will always be people who will understand you if you understand them has proved to a failure strategy in recent times.I wanted to tell all this and much more to you despite the fact that you're in no mood to listen.I thought my bestie will atleast listen to what I've got to say,I've understood she's not in the mood to talk to me.So,what do I do now,I sit alone in this dark room of mine and think of things which would be inappropriate to tell to others.I mean what is the point of survival like this?..This question has been bugging me a lot in past days.Why do we need money,experience,sex and happiness when there is no reason why we should survive?...What does time do to all of this...It just makes me question my every thought thinking how long can I be like this ..Maybe for some days or months or my lifetime !!!

The opposite of loving and trying to fit in

Hii there,
               Yesterday was one of the joyful days I'd remember in my lifetime.Well,what did I do.Did I buy anything new ? or did i get drunk fully or did i achieve something highly successful?.Nope.I went with my best friend and invited people for his wedding.What gives you happiness in this? You might ask?.The happiness we all search for is not present in some fancy materialistic ideas but in small occasions which help us to realize how beautiful this short lived life is.We took another best friend of our's,we're all friends from school..from 7th standard.So,that makes it around 15 years,I suppose.It is strangely good when you realize some bonds will be there for a long time.Maybe because it had such a strong foundation,it still grows and accommodates all the changes which the life and time throw along the way.I went and met many of his friends and it was as though I was meeting friends of mine.No wonder they tell,you start resembling the person with whom you spend more time.Be it in terms of habits or character or personality.We had a sumptuous lunch and drove around Chennai inviting people No one has ever asked me to do things like these ever before.I suppose that's what happens when you start connecting with other people in a entirely new manner.So,after a day of constant laughing,teasing and emoting I came back to home around 9 pm.I was talking about the entire day to my mom and explaining what all happened.In the end I asked her "Mom,do you think something has changed in me in past two years and now?".She told "A lot has changed and in fact your sister feels the change more than any other".These days,all the discussions seem to start or end with a philosophical tone.I was not this much psychological or philosophical before I went to Bangalore.I am being asked what happened over there that I had to become this much mature and disconnected in such a short time.How can I tell that I was not accepted by the one person from whom I wanted it badly in bangalore?.I just told my mom I did not fit in in bangalore generally and I had to develop some sort of image or defense mechanism to ensure that I do not get hurt.That is when I realized the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.The more I try to unlove her,I fall further deeply into love.I look at someone on road and think it would be her and I look at the messages she posts in our college group and try to think how would it be for once if she posts a message before me or after me.Maybe she would think about me if she sees my name or would she have stored my number?..She doesn't even look at my statuses.The one for whom I started this blog and wrote posts on how I feel now think I'm non existent."Yes,this is how life is.It is never fair and it is time to move on" I tell to myself often these days.It definitely works,but only slowly like moving a huge mountain of emotions with the power of my thoughts.I came to bangalore to get some friends and take some good memories back.It would be lying if I tell I have completely failed in it but the truth is that I have succeeded only partially and in a way that everything seems to be positive from the outside but on the inside it's all hollow and empty.Coming to the problem of fitting in,right from my childhood I am not used to moving with people closely.I am highly sensitive in nature and cannot take it when anyone close to me tries to cut the ties or treats me in a unacceptable way.This is why I do not trust or gel with larger groups or more people.Infact,this was the feedback given to me by counsellor during the 1st year of college in bangalore.I also tried my best to move with people and where has it got me today ? ? ..SO MUCH FOR SOCIALIZATION AND FITTING IN !!!

How it feels to be Hanging on to every last memory and still try to forget all that happened?

Hii there,

It is amazing how all it takes is a unrelated word or a sentence to go back all into the past and bring out all the memories I've been trying to bury for so long.Previously I used to think,It would be a good day only if I see you,Look at me now.I'm not dead,am I?
Do you remember the walks we used to take or the conversations we used to have late nights and how on exam days I'd not go to the exam hall without seeing you?
I always have enjoyed each and every moment of it.But life has it's own way of dividing and merging things as it marches on,just like time.And yes,if I count the "Maybe's" and "If's" I think of these days,I will be able to fill a football ground with it.I've been doing nothing but thinking from past few days.One day it became so much that I was not able to take it.So I took my two wheeler and roamed along the roads for some 3 hours.Maybe I was thinking if I ride the bike faster and when surroundings get blurry,chances are there that my thoughts could disappear.But hey,some things have to happen the way they always want to or else none of us would be like this.I shout at my close ones for stupid reasons and go into a constant state of panic even for a small change.Pushing people away and worrying why they're not coming back seems to have become my favorite hobby of late.As though I have a world of people who know fully about me,I hopelessly push the one or two people who act as a pillar of strength for me.If at all,I come out of all of this one day,I'd like you to meet them and I'll tell "these are the people who helped me to rebuild myself after you left me there like a dead body in the middle of the desert without any people or purpose to live any further".Undoubtedly,you might have met some of them already !!
Maybe I'm overthinking and there is nothing you have given or done to me.It's all in my head,like always.Anyways,I've stopped thinking there is any purpose or motive to live this life or whatsoever.I never realized how when good things become bad the cost they ask for is impossible to pay,atleast for me.I used to laugh when someone asks what is your strength and weakness.My dears,there is nothing called constant strength or weakness.What can be your strength today can become your weakness in a span of time.Take me for example,When I tell people I thought of suicide sometime back,people tell "I did not seem to notice,you appear very calm and normal.Appearing calm and normal has always been my strength but on the downside,People always think I'll not take anything seriously and in turn do not see the depth of it and dismiss my emotions when they pop out occasionally.Maybe,all of humans are like that.The biggest and strongest of all emotions,"love" was rejected by you and what did I do?.Nothing,just weeping like a small child over spilled milk.Maybe I should start showing my emotions to others occasionally so that they also will think "Yes,he's also capable of showing emotions".If you keep on bottling the emotions,How do you let go of them.Only when they break open can they be let out.
Oh Look at the beauty of emotions !!..When you find the right person,you get all the wrong emotions and when you find the wrong person,you get all the right emotions.Isn't this the story of all of us !!
"You need to move on" I'm told.It's harder than I imagined it to be.Superficially you know you've to but deep down you cannot and you do not want to.To move on,seems like leaving you and part of me with you behind.At this point of time it feels like I want to hang on to every shred of memory I have of ours.
"Time makes things better" I always tell people.No doubt the sharpness of thoughts & pain may dull after months but it seems the sense of loss always deepens.The pain slowly becomes raw and emptiness begins to become vast.
However,without any doubt I will emerge out of this but the question that always looms over my head is this,"Will I be able to make myself vulnerable to someone from now on despite knowing the fact that the wounds of vulnerability can only be hidden but not healed !!!"

My thought Cooker #29/04/2018

Hii There,
Have you ever wondered in life,we have met many people and will meet many people at multiple points of time where you and another person or a group of people seemingly have the same resources at disposal and you might think that all the good or bad things you've done have brought you at this juncture and things will be same for you and that person/group members from now on in such a way that you think that your life without that group of people or individual will almost be impossible for you to live. but life & time have a different agenda?.I've had a couple of those moments in my college.Today was one such incident where I had to attend the marriage of my friend whom I had known from my school & college.He was the one who had tutored me and taught many things to help me reach the place where I am today.There was a time when I thought "I will not leave him for my life as I need more people like him and especially him to guide me through the complex maze of life".We both completed our course and like all other farewells,we promised to stay in touch.I feel that today,technology has made this both easier and tougher.I will come to that portion shortly.He joined in post office and I joined in an IT company.You go to a new place,you meet a couple of people like you & it might be due to a number of reasons like convenience or interests or environment which acts as a enabler and facilitator to nurture your friendship and things go smooth and well and you think you are so blessed to have a group of people so understanding.Time,often is like an earthquake dividing things where ever it goes beyond any concern for the surroundings.Unfortunately,a time comes when you've to bid farewell,albeit a tough one and you take a mental vow to stay in touch with that person/group even when the commonalities you had will start to fade one by one.Your friendship was nurtured over coffee meeting & lunch breaks,good for you but you'll have to lose them once the environment changes.Gradually you lose touch with that part of your life and the events.All the people start fading into background and new ones start replacing the old ones.Suddenly a day comes when one of them in the group has some important life event occurring and he wants you to attend that.You go and attend the event for old times sake or to refresh the long lost memories or replace them with warm and cozy new ones.It is there when you meet the people from other group and you immediately feel like talking to a good old friend whose companionship you've missed for years.But once the Hey-How-do-u-do talk gets over,the daily struggles and other routine topics start to fill your conversations.It is then when you realize that how much times have changed and how life & time do their part in all of our's lives without a second thought or any concern.The same group which had been your entire world is now reduced to one tiny fragment.All along the way you've been thinking your life was the most routine one and someone else comes only to tell theirs is even more tough than you imagine.You begin to think how environments have changed so drastically that there is nothing more common left other than the past which has to be evoked every time you want to connect.This cycle goes on and on in life till anyone of you come back to a new environment for a longer time or eventually die.But some people,can be connected with you despite the changes in environment and interests and those kind of people should be cherished and taken care of with all the energy you have.Don't create unnecessary troubles and fight with these people.You're lucky of you've got one already.What do you think about me ..Do I have a person/group like that or not..?..I suppose only she knows the answer to this question !!!!

My Thought Cooker #21/04/18

Hii there,
                 A nice warm hii to the one who is reading this.I still do not know who that person will be.The one to whom I will handover my blog and all the posts because this is what is essentially me as many of my acquaintances do not understand me fully(Can I use yet here or does it sound desperate!!).Have you ever felt when there is no one in this entire world to understand and accept you as you are.Now accepting is one thing which can be done without or with less understanding but I always prefer some understanding prior to acceptance.You might have best friends,a couple of them might be close to you than you think.Have you ever wondered what led to the creation of friendships in first place.Was it the common interests or environment.Because,from what I have seen environment plays a very major role in nurturing relationships these days.I have kept a special term for it- "Situation-ship".Once the situation goes away,so does the friendship.But there are some friends with whom we share a lot of things in common.Maybe behavior or personality or character,For ex.But what happens when the things you start having common start depleting..Like for ex:- you might love doing a certain activity with your best friends some time ago but you don't find it interesting now.Do you tell this to them or keep this to yourself.After all,isn't this the entire dilemma of our lives..How much of past you want to carry yourself to future in such a way that present is not tainted by the past?
I've known,seen and heard people who take harsh decisions on themselves once they undergo a heart break or a break up.In those times,they think it will be impossible for them to fall in love again considering what they have undergone now.But as time marches ahead,the same person falls in love again and again and again,probably harder than the previous time.I ask to myself why does this happen.How can the person forget the past so easily and move on to the future?..Isn't it making our past seem worthless?..Maybe this time they look at love from a different perspective when compared to the previous time.Do you know what is the most powerful feeling in this world..It is the feeling of being loved/needed.Ever wonder why people fall in love over and over again.It gives them a feeling of being wanted and needed.Once you understand the other person has started to depend on you for any kind of support,this understanding is more powerful than combination of all the drugs in the world and that is exactly why when the person leaves us we wait for sometime and want to fill it with something else.Some start finding another girl/boy or nurture addictions which may/may not be harmful in long term.You might ask,why are you thinking of this suddenly Gautham?..Did u get reminded of that girl.Now don't go all the way to Bangalore,you fool.She left you and there are goo d chances she's happy elsewhere.Maybe yes,But remember one thing love that has understanding first and acceptance first goes in a long term while the one where acceptance comes first suffers a lot simply because you cannot accept anything in this world without understanding it.Let us hope ours belongs to the first category.
Cheers !!!

How far can I travel ?!?

Hii there,

It's been a long time since my previous post.It is really a strange thing indeed,I was able to create wonderful posts within a span of say 30-40 mins..but these days I sit and try very hard and squeeze my right brain but still not even a drop is willing to fall out."What has happened to you?"..I ask myself.So I have decided to write this one as a conversation between me and my conscience..!!

Me:- What a nice day it's been.A good movie,nice sleep and some quality reading.This weather tempts me to take a walk and a cup of hot tea...!!
Cs(Conscience):- Ofcourse!!..But don't use this as a cover and pass by her room,Okey?
Me:- Shut up dude..I am not even talking to her for past one month and I must say I'm very happy and relieved.
Cs:- haha...Don't lie to me bro..I know all those midnight cryings and being like a walking corpse state-you're these days.
Me:- That..that is just me trying to overcome her presence.You know we're trying very hard ...
Cs:- True that..Now don't start getting emotional and get out to real world..
Me:- That's my boy..
(I go for a nice walk and decide to have lemon tea )
Now you might ask a question..Did you pass by her room or not ..?..Read on to know that
Me:- Nice day...well look there our beloved friends are standing.Why don't I go and tell a Hi..
Cs:- Dude..you dont want to go there..Do u see who that girl who's having her back to you..
Me:- Well,I'm too deep to go back..I can't return now
Cs:- Trust me dude..that's your life's problem..!!
Me:- Shit..It's her?.Isn't it?...Right?
Cs:- Spot on !!!
Me;- I'm gonna make this situation super awkward now !!
Cs:- Just walk away and look at her.I know you wanted to get a glimpse of her.
Me:- That's y I went by her room..oops!!
Cs:- And you tell me that I remind you of her always..Asshole
(I then curse god for creating this kind of coincidence and turning my night the opposite of my day)
Me:-Yaay...I've successfully evaded her presence.Wait a min...Is it raining..why are my eyes getting moist now..
Cs:- Evade ..Evade ..we'll see how far you can go !!
Me:- I'll go to hostel and cry my heart out.Then I'll take bath and be fresh.Haven't you heard "I love crying in rain because no one can see me crying"
Cs:- You'll anyways write a blog post about this.We'll meet there !!!
Me:- Yes..but should I publish that or not..?
Cs:- You want to do it because you think someday she'll read this and start talking to you..Don't you remember what she said.."Be mature Gautham.I did not expect this from you"
Me:- Otha..fuck her expectations..Did I expect things to turn out like this..
Cs:- uh oh..Not again...Take bath before the water become too hot to handle ..
Me:- Well..Trust me bro ..it's not only the water which is reaching it's boiling point soon..
Cs:- Yappa ..Dei...Poda po !!!!

How good would it be if someone just kills me now or Should I die that myself...!!!

Hii to whomsoever is reading this...,

"Listen..I've to tell you something..I'm seeing someone from the past 1 and half months.He is my senior from school.He came to Coimbatore to see me and he was interested in me." told the only girl whom I thought will be till the end of my life.But hey,life has it's own way of teaching you things,right?
"So he proposed and what did u tell?" I asked,like a patient who doesn't have oxygen but still has hope to live
"Well...I also told yes" was the reply that she gave.
"He is working in Chennai and we like each other" she told..
"Maybe she is trying to play a trick on me .. you know" is how my pathetic mind thinks
"She called you only to tell this,dumbo" tells my brain
What will you do in a moment like this..I do not know what you will do but I know what I will do or at least what I thought I must 've done.
I thought of abandoning everything and running away somewhere from everything.Abandoning,my friend has a very interesting twist to it.What can I abandon when I feel my life has been abandoned by the only one I gave control to do that..?
Should I abandon this land , this place or abandon my life all together?...These depressing thoughts are not something which go away from my mind easily.I think of drinking something and taking my life.I mean,people like me do not deserve to live in this earth,do they?......You might think dying is not a way out but trust me,sometimes dying seems to be the best way rather than this living this hell.
2 months and just an interest was all that was enough to make her fall for someone else.So think how much ever you do,in the end physical appearance is what counts...Did u understand that dickhead,stupid dumbo and no one wants to love a fatso like you who can be exceptionally beautiful inside but outside is what decides many things here.....Just get that first into your head.We are at an important juncture in my life I suppose..Some lessons are best learnt the hard way. This must one of those lessons I guess.What is going to happen in the next 24 hours is very crucial...I've finally decided to concentrate on the one thing I've been ignoring for the past 24 years.It is my physical appearance.Being very beautiful on the inside is not something people are able to understand even after they get to know you for months.Handling memories is something which I've to get used to.
What happens to those late night calls and all those chat messages which you shared...?
Well...They're just down the drain..that's it..If you'd been good looking certainly she would've accepted na..only because you're like this she didn't accept.Whatever happens,you needed a girl and your love to tell to you that appearances matter.So get this clear into your head...Start working on that and just see how things are waiting at the end of the road..!!!..And being someone whom no one can understand that is not going to help you...Be nice,friendly but be good looking first..Why should I go and die...(here is when things get more interesting!!)....To have rejected me she must go and die somewhere...That bitch...(Oh Sorry,sorry you're not the kind who takes revenge and abuses someone,remember)...But what to do now..The situation is like that...I just hope he deserts he like the way she did it to me or her parents do not accept their love or he runs away after making her pregnant or how about he abusing her with his love!!...Now that would be fun,wouldn't it?....For 6 months,you've no other job other than working on your appearance..But the thing is you've to see her face daily in class but that is a good thing,isn't it..It's a way of keeping the scar fresh in mind even though it has healed physically.Should I publish this or not is the next million dollar question lurking in my mind.Will it be like revenge,if I publish this...What if she reads this and gets to know how bad my thoughts drive us(meaning my brain and mind)..Well..it is something to consider..So let me tell you something..This will not be published now..But someday I'll surely do it and this will happen only when transformation happens !!!!...