The Nature of Grief !!

Hii there,

I'm still thinking how to word the thoughts and emotions I undergo lately.I'm going in my car,driving and suddenly from somewhere a song comes up in the radio.Somewhere along the way as I am listening to the songs,especially the lyrics my eyes start watering up even though I am consciously trying to avoid this recurring event for quite sometime now.Songs are different,lyrics are different but somehow,the same feeling of fear,being trapped and a sense of helplessness settles in.Have you ever felt how it is to be wanting to be trapped inside a thought you are desperately wanting to get out all the time ? ..Well..that is how grief is..It is personal and multi dimensional not to mention self depreciating.I am not sure to whom to talk about this.I cry for a while and then wish it would be better tomorrow and proceed further.Why is this happening,even now ?,I wonder..How much I wish there was a simple and straight forward answer to that.I've had my close friend telling how she used me as per her convenience and let me off when her work was over.But how could I tell her that I have not felt a longing for something/someone like this before in my lifetime ? ..When does it become easy to look and walk away from her and all the memories she is hell bound on giving me,I wonder ?..I feel like I've spent an entire year trying to put things together..Have you ever felt the need to recreate the fire from ashes just to understand why the ashes have burnt this way ? ..Well,If you do I definitely understand you.Beacuse not a day goes by where I wish I should've handled this in a better way.I've began to look at things and think none of this matters anyways , so why should I even care ?..Try not to think about the nature and order of things in this world.Time is what makes things easier and what scares me the most now ..Would there be a day when I will forget about her completely or would I carry on like this forever living a parallel life all the time .. ? ..I hope time will bring me all the unexpected answers for the most wanted questions !!

Regards,
You know me that well,don't you ?

What has gotten into me ?

Hii There,
I did not write for a long time because somehow words were flowing like before.Even now,I am writing because I do not know how long it will be like how it is now.These days nothing excites me and there is nothing I look forward to.I have run away from bangalore and have started to work here in Chennai.Whenever I think of Bangalore,I am not able to erase the memories which torment me all the time.I've become so used to being like this that I do not think I would be able to allow someone else this closer in my life.I try not to think much of the past and live the way addicts do..One day at a time.I feel sad all of a sudden for no reason and sometimes feel like crying for no reason at all.I'm reading more fiction and non fiction books to cope up.But looks like the If's and But's would never leave me alone.What if I had done this like that ? What If I could've handled it in a better way ? What was I lacking ? .. All these are very tough and ugly questions which I always tell people to avoid.Yet here I am not practicing what I preach.I am not sure what I've lost but what fears me the most is I find my future very dark and uninspiring.

To my(our) Future ?!?

Hii there,

I don't know who you are but I will find you ,rip your soul apart by loving you more than anyone else in the world.How can anyone love someone who has not yet been met,you might ask ?..I assume this would be a easier task to do than to think of the way I am feeling now.I am not sure about the way these days pass by me.Seems like I'm not at all interested in anything and I fear loving another human more than anything else. I could call this as being stuck in the past if I were to tell myself from a 3rd person point of view.But it is becoming very tough to crawl out of her memories.I am not able to fully think it was all for my good.I still crave for her laughter and voice all the time.It doesn't take a long time now for me to drop things I do and go back to comfort zone of memories and shut myself out.I sit here in the corner of the highway road and think about where my life is heading.I have lost faith in marriage and attachment whatsoever.I didn't know I could be attached to onething untill I met you.Now I realize it's even more difficult to attach myself to anything anymore.This emptiness is crushing me.I run away from emotional baggages like anything.I am not sure I'd be able to do justice to another person who so believes me to give supports of all kind.I am not sure when I'll recover or if at all it is possible to recover.I always have thought of life like a long stretch of time but these days I want it to end so quickly as I do not find any point in continuing forward in this state.
To whoever is reading this...please remember if I've told you about her and this blog,it means I've trusted you like no one else before and please understand she broke me into a million pieces which I'm not sure even time will mend.However,(Yaaay ...the real reason for the tatoo is she, incase I've told you something else,give me a angry stare now and ask Mee why'd I lied to you..okey ? ) I will definitely love you a lot more than ? ..I leave it to you to complete this !!!

Convocation and Time

Hii there,
Time made a fool out of me on the day of convocation.The people for whom I've taken most of my two year decisions showed me how quick people and environments change.What happens when you suddenly realize whatever you did in past had all vanished into thin air now ..Would you go and try to talk back to people telling you were not like this before.Please do not do like this now ?
It never happens that way in reality.Moreoften than not,reality is murkier and complicated than fantasies.Look at me the never changing 🦊,always reaching for the sour grapes..I wanted nothing more than a few minutes of talking with you.Seems people around you never want me to have that.When I learnt people were seated as per the roll no..I got so excited to see you ..just like old times my heart fluttered.But I'd never expect Deepak to behave in such a way.I never expected you guys to talk like nothing happened at all...Look who's lost everything now.Take everything to heart and you've surely got some people to tear apart in a million pieces.I wish I hadn't been around so artificial humans !!

Pondicherry and her

Hii her,.
I've come to pondicherry to booze and forget about you.But look what happens if I get drunk with a bunch of unknown people.They all ask about my love story and I'm too reluctant to share your memories with any third person.Ive told my love story is the routine of all.I cannot start a good story with a breakup,can I?
I sit in this room and think about everything in an instance.you have given me that power.See,I get high to forget u but u comeback with a force I'm not able to take you back into my mind because it's becoming like a man going into an accident just knowing he'll die.I mean we all know there'll be bruises along the way and the person won't come back.Still I go into it everytime and everyday thinking how the output will be different if things had fine smoothly.That,I suppose is a problem we all have.Living in fantasies and thinking one day or other it'll come true.
I came here to make sure I forget you but look what I've got.People think their trauma is bigger than anyone else's.But I suppose I've fallen too deep.Coming out seems like a man crawling out of a black I'm too grieved to even explain it to others..Aren't these trips supposed to serve as a stress buster but ironically they further induce your memories in me.I am not sure what all to remember and what to forget about us or rather me.seems I'll not get anyone who'd understand that now or ever in future.How are you,I heard you got a new iPhone.Glad you replaced your old one.How are your brother and his wife.I remember coming to his marriage.How excited I was to see you that day.Like a child I made sure I wanted to see you first that day.silly me, right?
Maybe that's d point of love.Look at these people trying to get you out of me and me, trying to make sure I don't give u to someone else.Pain is such a private emotion na.it is like giving you away to someone else.I know you probably don't care about me.Incase you did,call or text me !;;

Why are some memories so painful !!!

Hii there,

It has been sometime since I've written.It feels good to be back.Some days go so well that I think of what went on in past only once or twice.But there are many other days when a small piece of memory from the past creates havoc in my present.I was going through old photos for some other purpose and I stumbled upon a photo of her.My heart just skipped a beat and I become like a addict who just realized his drug supply is not going to last forever.Instantaneously,tears start flowing from my eyes and I get hit hard by memories in my head in a way that a 18 wheelar truck just hits when someone is riding along the highway.I just wait for sometime so that I will make myself think something else and tell to myself this is just a passing cloud.People fall in and out of love the way a dispenser throws up a piece of chocolate when you insert a 10 rupee coin.But I've always told people that no matter how hard you hold on to your memories,time will just wash them away or replace them.It is fascinating to find here,I am struggling to do the exact same thing and one second of thought just takes me back to many months back in time.She was my "Maaya" (a) "Magik" who seems to be casting her spell even when she has left me.Someone tells me about coimbatore I think about seeing her in a "I don't know what blue kinda dress" and looking everywhere like a confused person,so that I get to see her before everyone else.I did not want anyone to see her so beautifully before I did,I was selfish in that way I suppose.It is these kind of memories that haunt me and surprisingly one utterance of some random thing/place/event by someone is all that it takes to take me back to her.I think of all the nights and walks I spent with her.I go to college under the pretext of seeing juniors just to look at the room she stayed and the places we've argued and walked together.I get the feeling that those places want to know what happened to us now but It seems almost impossible to tell that it all had to end at someplace.It somehow feels like betraying all the memories of that place and her that I have till now.Such is the nature of some memories that they demand a share of pain as a way of entry and exit ticket.Why do I have to revive every memory of mine with a drop of pain,I wonder and then realize It is fine to pay the price of whatever it asks for,for memories are all the things I've of her and each time I remember her I am trying to disappear into her one memory at a time and the only way to forget her fully is by making sure that I get numb to the pain or to the memories,which I am not sure when it i going to happen in sometime or happen at all !!!

How do things turn out like this ?

I remember talking till the signal dropped each time I travelled to or from Chennai.We spoke about everything under the moon and yes, I'd kill to hear that sound of laughter again.its funny how Everytime I make someone close to me or make myself vulnerable to them they target it spot-on and start hitting where it hurts.I was supposed to move on from you.Move on where,I always wanted to ask.But you wanted me to move away from you.And here I am unable to move anywhere else and living like a corpse thinking why should I survive,all the time.I wanted to talk to you about the moon and back but unfortunately I was having something wrong.I still exist but I find no point in living..maybe I'll change some day or I won't ..!!