How far can I travel ?!?

Hii there,

It's been a long time since my previous post.It is really a strange thing indeed,I was able to create wonderful posts within a span of say 30-40 mins..but these days I sit and try very hard and squeeze my right brain but still not even a drop is willing to fall out."What has happened to you?"..I ask myself.So I have decided to write this one as a conversation between me and my conscience..!!

Me:- What a nice day it's been.A good movie,nice sleep and some quality reading.This weather tempts me to take a walk and a cup of hot tea...!!
Cs(Conscience):- Ofcourse!!..But don't use this as a cover and pass by her room,Okey?
Me:- Shut up dude..I am not even talking to her for past one month and I must say I'm very happy and relieved.
Cs:- haha...Don't lie to me bro..I know all those midnight cryings and being like a walking corpse state-you're these days.
Me:- That..that is just me trying to overcome her presence.You know we're trying very hard ...
Cs:- True that..Now don't start getting emotional and get out to real world..
Me:- That's my boy..
(I go for a nice walk and decide to have lemon tea )
Now you might ask a question..Did you pass by her room or not ..?..Read on to know that
Me:- Nice day...well look there our beloved friends are standing.Why don't I go and tell a Hi..
Cs:- Dude..you dont want to go there..Do u see who that girl who's having her back to you..
Me:- Well,I'm too deep to go back..I can't return now
Cs:- Trust me dude..that's your life's problem..!!
Me:- Shit..It's her?.Isn't it?...Right?
Cs:- Spot on !!!
Me;- I'm gonna make this situation super awkward now !!
Cs:- Just walk away and look at her.I know you wanted to get a glimpse of her.
Me:- That's y I went by her room..oops!!
Cs:- And you tell me that I remind you of her always..Asshole
(I then curse god for creating this kind of coincidence and turning my night the opposite of my day)
Me:-Yaay...I've successfully evaded her presence.Wait a min...Is it raining..why are my eyes getting moist now..
Cs:- Evade ..Evade ..we'll see how far you can go !!
Me:- I'll go to hostel and cry my heart out.Then I'll take bath and be fresh.Haven't you heard "I love crying in rain because no one can see me crying"
Cs:- You'll anyways write a blog post about this.We'll meet there !!!
Me:- Yes..but should I publish that or not..?
Cs:- You want to do it because you think someday she'll read this and start talking to you..Don't you remember what she said.."Be mature Gautham.I did not expect this from you"
Me:- Otha..fuck her expectations..Did I expect things to turn out like this..
Cs:- uh oh..Not again...Take bath before the water become too hot to handle ..
Me:- Well..Trust me bro ..it's not only the water which is reaching it's boiling point soon..
Cs:- Yappa ..Dei...Poda po !!!!

How good would it be if someone just kills me now or Should I die that myself...!!!

Hii to whomsoever is reading this...,

"Listen..I've to tell you something..I'm seeing someone from the past 1 and half months.He is my senior from school.He came to Coimbatore to see me and he was interested in me." told the only girl whom I thought will be till the end of my life.But hey,life has it's own way of teaching you things,right?
"So he proposed and what did u tell?" I asked,like a patient who doesn't have oxygen but still has hope to live
"Well...I also told yes" was the reply that she gave.
"He is working in Chennai and we like each other" she told..
"Maybe she is trying to play a trick on me .. you know" is how my pathetic mind thinks
"She called you only to tell this,dumbo" tells my brain
What will you do in a moment like this..I do not know what you will do but I know what I will do or at least what I thought I must 've done.
I thought of abandoning everything and running away somewhere from everything.Abandoning,my friend has a very interesting twist to it.What can I abandon when I feel my life has been abandoned by the only one I gave control to do that..?
Should I abandon this land , this place or abandon my life all together?...These depressing thoughts are not something which go away from my mind easily.I think of drinking something and taking my life.I mean,people like me do not deserve to live in this earth,do they?......You might think dying is not a way out but trust me,sometimes dying seems to be the best way rather than this living this hell.
2 months and just an interest was all that was enough to make her fall for someone else.So think how much ever you do,in the end physical appearance is what counts...Did u understand that dickhead,stupid dumbo and no one wants to love a fatso like you who can be exceptionally beautiful inside but outside is what decides many things here.....Just get that first into your head.We are at an important juncture in my life I suppose..Some lessons are best learnt the hard way. This must one of those lessons I guess.What is going to happen in the next 24 hours is very crucial...I've finally decided to concentrate on the one thing I've been ignoring for the past 24 years.It is my physical appearance.Being very beautiful on the inside is not something people are able to understand even after they get to know you for months.Handling memories is something which I've to get used to.
What happens to those late night calls and all those chat messages which you shared...?
Well...They're just down the drain..that's it..If you'd been good looking certainly she would've accepted na..only because you're like this she didn't accept.Whatever happens,you needed a girl and your love to tell to you that appearances matter.So get this clear into your head...Start working on that and just see how things are waiting at the end of the road..!!!..And being someone whom no one can understand that is not going to help you...Be nice,friendly but be good looking first..Why should I go and die...(here is when things get more interesting!!)....To have rejected me she must go and die somewhere...That bitch...(Oh Sorry,sorry you're not the kind who takes revenge and abuses someone,remember)...But what to do now..The situation is like that...I just hope he deserts he like the way she did it to me or her parents do not accept their love or he runs away after making her pregnant or how about he abusing her with his love!!...Now that would be fun,wouldn't it?....For 6 months,you've no other job other than working on your appearance..But the thing is you've to see her face daily in class but that is a good thing,isn't it..It's a way of keeping the scar fresh in mind even though it has healed physically.Should I publish this or not is the next million dollar question lurking in my mind.Will it be like revenge,if I publish this...What if she reads this and gets to know how bad my thoughts drive us(meaning my brain and mind)..Well..it is something to consider..So let me tell you something..This will not be published now..But someday I'll surely do it and this will happen only when transformation happens !!!!...

The Story of the Ant and the raindrop on a leaf

Hii Duude,

How are you ? or How good are you must be the question.
Ofcourse who will not be happy in their velliamma's house..I like to imagine your grandma's house to be like the one in Drishyam..Full of trees and that evening weather,small inland roads along with tall coconut trees.If I'm there,I'll tell to them there is someone more cute than you Trees and leaves !! Nothing beats the joy of a good book and good food by the sea shore surrounded by trees in a stormy evening weather.The sound of rain hitting leaves and houses is sweet to hear.Did you know I have an app that produces different types of rain,thunder storm and sea sounds.It's like meditation to me.Anyways this brings me to a small story..!!!

Once upon a time there was an ant who wanted to be hard working and behave as all other ants do.But there was no good fellow ant he could look up to.So he always had different ways of thinking when it came to things.One fine day,after some bitter experiences in life(For ex:- eating rice flour thinking it was powdered sugar) he decided to turn to a new leaf and he chose a bright orange leaf for this purpose and it was in that time he saw towards the sky to see a beautiful raindrop falling.He told to himself "This drop looks very beautiful.Maybe it really is or due to reflection of the surroundings.But I need that drop".To him it was like he was drowning in his world of thoughts and this raindrop has come to save him from all that gloominess.So he just started to wait till the drop reached this leaf but once it reached the leaf,He came to know that the there was a need to push that drop till it reaches the desired spot.Now pushing a drop is a very tough job to do.He imagined talking himself to the leaf and the drop..!!
Leaf told him angrily "You know what,that drop is mine as it landed on me first.In a way I'm totally responsible for it.So make sure it sees no damage!!"
Now it was the drop's turn to talk. "Don't fall for her traps ant,she tells this to all the drops that fall here.Last time the same thing happened to another drop also"
The Ant was confused as hell.So he decided to push the drop slowly towards the end so that he could see what happened to the drop
As he was pushing the drop further he could see the leaf mocking him "See I told you..The faster you try to do this the sooner the drop will disappear"
But the drop told "Do not worry,I will always be strong enough not to be crushed by a ignorant leaf"
He wondered "Can a drop change a leaf?"
After reaching the mid way on the leaf,the ant came to a standstill.The thing he had feared the most had happened.He started becoming a part of drop.It was so apparent because all of his world were of the color of the drop.He could not imagine his life without that drop.Crying only increased his confusion and puzzled him more as he knew he had no control over the drop or the leaf or in whatever direction the end turns out to be.
So he left things as they were for a few hours but it was almost impossible to come out of that drop.
This drop had a habit of using reflections as the only mirror to see the world.So it had to see and hear some ugly things in the meantime and thought the ant will survive only if left alone.The ant thought "How can I explain that reflections are not the reality and they just reflect the character of the source they come from but not the destination and reflections are always reversed by nature".The ant was just sad and got depressed thinking of all this.He even tried talking things out with the drop and finally after so much of pain the drop agreed to the leaf and realized what had went wrong with ant in first place.So is the ant fully clear about the way things had to turn up...Nope and he wants the drop to explain how it did not know the difference between reflections and reality !!!
My my,doesn't it seem like a somewhere heard story....!!
No wonder you think I'm the ant and the leaf is your mind.But then what are the Drop and reflections ?
And the way you think depends on the answer you give to the above question.

Is it her voice or am I talking to a bird

Hii Dude,

Congrats..!!..Did u knew I will call tonight!?.. well,my holiday just got complete.
Here's  a small poem only for your senses!!

What's more precious than the first pearl that a oyster gives?
The hand that takes it or the shell which opens..!!

What's more special than the first raindrop that touches  the earth ?
The cloud that gives it or the sea which it kisses first?

What's  more beautiful than the sun rays touching sunflower ?
The rays that reach the flower or the sunflower  which turns it's  head?

What's more satisfying than the breeze kissing the flowers?
The way the leaves bristle or the way wind  chooses it?

What's more  delightful to watch for a mom?
The moment her child touches the ground or when she hears it calling her "amma" with its voice?

What's more mesmerising to see in my girl which no one else can  do?
The eyes which is reading this or the mind which is thinking how to comprehend it?

What makes me more happy than anyother thing in life?
The memories she gave me or when she talks to me after a long time?

What's more painful to me than me getting Alzheimer's?
Is it when she doesn't  talk to me or when she realizes why she had to do that in first place?

Nothing but thoughts

Hii Dude,

I don't even know what to write.But I cannot be like this for long time.It is killing me from inside.I'm getting continuous headaches and crying like a child and becoming a mad person.If this continues my performance will really start to go down.I do not know what I can tell to you so that you will agree but at least till the time we are here talk to me and allow me to talk to you like before.I do not know what kind of a person I am becoming because of this.Abuse me,hate me or do whatever you want but do not be like this with me.I am not able to take it and it is paining , both literally and figuratively.I have no idea of knowing how you feel about this.Fuck,I am not able to hate you also.It's like being stuck in an endless loop and it has really started to affect my daily routine.I get dreams and nightmares about you and me talking,fighting and all. I've become like an alcohol addict who works in a wine shop.When I was talking to you,nothing else was on my mind but now that I am not talking this is the only thing that is constantly spinning on and on.I've stopped thinking about anything else.I do not know what to do now.This is getting very bad and out of control these days and If I see you daily not talking to you is very very tough and how can I ignore someone on the outside when it is only them I think of on the Inside? What you thought is happening to me if you talk to me is happening now and I cannot even control it.I do not want it to be like this but I'm sure of this.Till now in my life I might have not had that much friends but I've never felt lonely.I know the difference between being lonely and alone.These days I feel like i'm the only one in this world and you know how much I magnify thoughts and feelings.Even Krishna is asking to me why I am not talking to him properly these days.Hell,the only person I'm talking to is myself and keep on thinking what could be done to improve this and to overcome this.I was not like this before and I do not know how to do this.I know you think of me like some prick who never understands what he is told and keeps on torturing you to talk and all.I have not asked like this to anyone in my life and I do not think if i'll do in future also.I know Creating problems as if they are all going to happen is something which I excel at but I do not consider everything is going to happen or not.You might think only this guy can write an entire blogpost to coerce me to talk to him but what I am asking to you is be with me because I do not know what else to tell or do or anything....!!!!

Empty Ness everywhere

Hii Dude,
I'm not even sure I can call you by that name now.Where is the girl who used to talk to me like before..I ask myself.What is the point of writing a blog when you are not willing to read it also ..I thought I wrote only for you but I was dumb enough necer to know what you actually thought about these posts.Now what will I do ..can I stop people from speaking or thinking is something which I can't think of.But you , I thought you'll understand that and you know me better than what other's say.But we both know it is your base character coming out in stressful situations like these.You could've asked me my life instead of asking me to stop talking to u.But  alas,you always manage to get the best and worst out of me so effortlessly.who am I to stop you from your decision to talk to me,right
?..it better be right. . at least one of us will be happy.how was your exam . How's the preparation going ..these
Are
All the
Questions I want to ask u daily..but a poor soul like me still hasn't learn to share emotions either with a stranger or even best friends who are often not there at times of need ..!!..Maybe I was too dependent on you..what is the use of this blog if you don't read or me livin if you're not there.  Cmon dude..don't be stupid ..it happens to people all the time . Maybe  or maybe not but how can a person be like me..!!..,at times I think I've lost sanity .. it'll be better and im so bad that I don't even qualify to be your friend.Shes is not even ready to give her friendship,you poor asshole aren't u ashamed of asking her again and again. !!  just go and die somewhere ..Okey . But if I die my loVe fr u will) also be crushed na ..So no thoughts like  that .how u made fun of me  nd ,how excited I was when u told we'll go for Jan we met s ehal.. what happened in the end ..lol ..

Influence of Opinions,sometimes with Options

Hii Darling,

I've loved you
I love you
I will love you.

I did not want to give that title to this post but I felt it was the only apt one which I could give.Yesterday I thought too many times about what is happening here and the Opinions of others to which we should never give a flying fuck no matter what happens.If you think that it's because of you I am not performing well,I'm sorry dude your notion is entirely wrong.How I perform and why I perform that way is entirely upto me and it is me who needs to have last thoughts about this and no one else,that includes you also upto a certain degree.Sit back and think of all these,if we accept what you are telling is true.

Have you ever told me to spend time with you and only you?
Did u tell me to call at nights or text you always?
Did u ask me to write the posts?
Did u tell me to give you gifts?
Remember the first gift I gave you,nail polish remover..Who told me to do that?..What was my intention behind giving that?..The answer to this question is there was no intention.
Did u ask me to teach Ops or BRM?
Did u call me for long walks and deep talks?
Did u fight with me over small unimportant things?
Did u ever ask me to stop drinking and call you ?
Did u call me to Nandi hills or movies at any point of time?
Did u ask me to observe your hair,smell,nail polish and even the small bruises you get?
Have you ever asked me why I get more marks than you ?

You might think all of these do not make sense but do me a favour and replace all the "Did you's" with "I did" and it all makes perfect sense.
Even now also if you think this is what happens,we definitely need to have a talk not because I want to convince you but to make you understand how important you are to me over all the other things in my life